Sunday, May 04, 2008

Question: What is a bastard exactly?

"What is a bastard?“

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the one of the few truisms in life is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In the photo following, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Jokes to offend everyone.........

History teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f***ing> white man to be called Winston!'

I've just loaded 'British Airways Boeing 777 Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm? The McCartneys But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you t**t!'

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says F***ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

and with that

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Monday, February 25, 2008

Sunday, February 17, 2008

all about nowt

Big Questions

What people are asking this week

Whose relationship split has brought back
the rumours that their union was sparked
by a contract brokered by their
publicists who were keen to dampen down
speculation about both celebrities'
private lives?

What's wrong with Britain? The publicly voted short-
list for “Celebrity Mum of the Year” includes Mel B,
Posh, Heather Mills, Katie Price and Kate Garraway.

Food for thought

Like lambs to the slaughter

Waitrose is making a film on an Oxfordshire
farm to show to its shareholders meeting,
to confirm that the firm's farming and produce
is all lovely and ethical. The farm is indeed
everything they say it is. Wonder if they'll
mention that it is owned by Lord Sainsbury.

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.

"I was talking to the duck."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Dubai Media Blah

Ajman - Croc shock

Lighthearted report about a crocodile spotted in Ajman


Seven die as partially completed bridge collapses

Report on the death of 6 workman in Dubai Marina

As Editor, what story would you put on your front page?

7 Days plumped for the croc.

Enough said.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Party Tunes

Iraqi party spolied by DJ

Dubai ruler Sheik al-Maktoum threw a celebration
for the Iraqi soccer team after its recent
Asian Cup win. However, for poor Iraqis,
nothing ever goes quite to plan. They
were welcomed with Iraq's Saddam Hussein-era
national anthem, Ardulfurataini Watan, rather
than current one, prompting many of the players
to walk out.

FYI: After Saddam's overthrow, Iraqi authorities
selected "Mawtini," a popular Arab folk tune, to
replace the old anthem which glorified the Baath party.'.htm

FYI 2: Sheik al-Maktoum gave the team $5.45m.
The team has been given $10,000 each in Iraq.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

spot the injustice of it all

In what civilised society does a 15 year old girl who was clearly forced into prostitution face prosecution herself?

Dubai - A man who brought a 15-year-old girl into the UAE after claiming he could get her a job before forcing her into prostitution, was jailed for six months at the Court of First Instance yesterday.

The 35-year-old Iraqi expat will be deported after serving his sentence. The teenager, who is also from Iraq, said she had left her home country as her family were struggling financially and she thought she would be able to help them.
She told the court that the man tricked her into becoming a prostitute in the UAE and claimed that he abused her as he acted as her pimp.
After the repeated abuse became too much she went to police who arrested the man. The youngster faces separate charges relating to prostitution in the Minors’ Court.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

like they care

Live Earth's BBC1 audience peaked at 3.1m. This
year's Eurovision got 10.9m.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

TV news-crews get special training

Alan Johnston has now spent 100 days as a
hostage in Gaza. TV news networks are taking
no chance with other British foreign
correspondents. News hounds are being hurriedly
sent on Kidnapping Training courses.

And what are they told to do in the event
of being kidnapped?

"Tell them absolutely anything they want."

and why not...............