Having stolen £50 million in an audacious armed raid it is probably best to consider going to ground for a while and perhaps working on laundering the money rather than, within 12 hours of the raid popping around to the local Bradford and Bingley with six grands worth of consecutively numbered £50 notes wrapped in paper bearing the name of the company you stole it from and trying to deposit it in your current account. Just a thought for future reference!
People. When you reach a cash till in, say, a shop or cafe, you will have to pay. This involves getting money or cards out of your purse. Here's a suggestion. Take the frigging purse OUT of your handbag and open it BEFORE the cashier tells you how much you owe. That way you won't have to fiddle around for five minutes working out exactly how you're going to pay. And the rest of us can get on with our busy lives.
Never answer the phone when you have just five minutes to go before leaving the office. You can guarantee it will be someone wanting to tell you his life story.
Tying a ribbon to your virtually bald infants head so the people will recognise them as female is a grave mistake to make; surely it is better that people think of your child as male rather than just plain unattractive.
Office Security Guards: Don't try and chat up the Receptionist; they will always see you as their inferiors and never date you. Just stick to your pointless, jobsworth living of making people, that you see on a daily basis, rummage through their bag/pockets for their pass to prove what you already well know; that they work for the company or serve your only real purpose of directing visitors to the the toilet's or nearest coffee shop.
After buying a pot of cotton buds. Immedietly open it and knock or kick them to the floor spilling them and spending an infuriating 5 minutes trying to cram them back into the now shrunken pot. This is an inevitable sequence of events. Just get it over with.
There's no point wasting valuable seconds watching airline cabin crews demonstrate how to use a lifejacket. Planes don't 'land' on water, they crash into it at about 600 miles an hour, and at that point, you won't be in any fit state to work out how to get the straps over your head, tie it in a knot and work out how to blow the tiny plastic whistle. Just tune out and continue getting pissed.
To avoid a messy divorce, find a woman you really dislike, and give her your house
Aussies and Kiwis: When in Rome, hang around exclusively with other Aussies and Kiwis in groups of 20 or more, taking note only to drink in Aussie and Kiwi themed bars, thereby isolating yourselves from the rest of the community.
A Freudian slip occurs when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Encyclopedias make very bad wedding gifts because the wife already knows EVERYTHING!
Originality is the art of concealing your source
Far from being a sophisticated tool for displaying detailed scientific results, the steffigraph is actually no more than a washed up female tennis star
Spanish men - wear a really small backpack with both straps on your shoulders and your hair in a greased back ponytail. Senoritas will love it!
Let sleeping dogs lie. Just get dressed quickly and close the front door quietly.
The 'eject' button on a VCR only works for videos, not for sandwiches my 2 year old daughter has tried to 'watch'.
you can never be too rich, too thin, or too well armed.
Never raise your hands to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected.
Goth girls: Going to Halloween parties dressed as that scary woman in 'The Ring' is hardly pushing the boat out.
When a good friend is about to tell you a hugely important life-altering secret, before they have even finished saying "and you've got to promise not to tell anyone under any circumstances" you have already thought of the person you are going to tell.
People who have a degree from the university of life: well done. Bear in mind however that graduates from registered institutes of higher education not only have a degree from the university of life, but also have a piece of paper confirming a supplement degree which will open many more doors than the former
Never ask a 30-something single women if she feels like Bridget Jones...Unless you want to bludgeoned by an empty wine bottle.
There's no such thing as a free lynch, the rope alone costs a bloody fortune.
Gypsies: Avoid hassle from the authorities and eventual eviction from your illegal site by putting up a few fairground rides.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the hill... but it still has to be mowed.
You can pretty much guarantee that people looking for books in a "travel" section in a bookstore, will have no sense of direction or sense of discovery for themselves and will have to be led there by their hands, sobbing. Despite travelled all over South East Asia on their trust funds.
It is impossible to walk down an escalator at pace without looking like Michael Flatley.
Right wing journos: you can't possibly know what the 'silent majority' think, the clue is in the word 'silent'.
Show me a man with pride and I'll show you a man with limited options.
Girls: if you get a text from your boyfriend saying that he wants to kick your puppy and dual your aunt, take it with a pinch of salt as it's more likely that he just hasn't got the hang of predictive text yet...
Instead of wearing a bluetooth earpiece, just paint the word “sap” on your forehead. This makes it easier for people unaccustomed to modern day technology to single you out for abuse.
WOMEN: If - like you say - you don't like guys who have 'emotional baggage', then why not try doing your best NOT TO CREATE THE BAGGAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
If you live in London you do not need a giant four-wheel drive jeep or land rover to take your kids to school. Driving a smaller car but putting a sticker on the bumper saying "selfish git" gets the message across just as clearly.
Always let the sun set on an argument. Assuming that no one actually dies in the night and leaves the other with a lifetime of guilt, the issue will inevitably seem much less worth screaming over after a good night's sleep.
Alzheimers sufferers: At least you're not bored. You get to meet new people every day.
Males: if you own or wish to own a Friends DVD the chances are that you love Cox
When confronted by a person asking you for money, ask yourself, what would Patrick Bateman do?
Work is the burden of the drinking classes.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.