Saturday, December 30, 2006

Dubai Drivers Why?

had a nasty experience again on the roads of Dubai.

Doing the speed limit of 120kph on the Emirates road a group of lads in local dress came up behind me flashing their head lights at me as if their life depended on it.

Unable to move over due to traffic on my right , I continued along at now just above the speed limit.

The car behind me was now just a few inches at most away from my rear bumper. Honking on his horn and continuing to flash like mad.

I found space to move over a minute or so along the road and the car behind me promptly pulled along side me and forced me to swerve into the inside lane to avoid a crash.

Now if I was to give these guys "the finger" or even just a piece of my mind; it's me that would get prosecuted.

What is it that turns usually mild mannered locals into mad men when they get behind the wheel of a car?

Small ???????? one would imagine. (self edited as the truth often leads to arrest)

Monday, December 11, 2006

i will chop it off

I did warn you that I will not be getting to post that often these days.

After 6 years in Dubai I have forgotten how inconvenient it can be to actually have to go to work every day.

However the construction workers outside my villa ensure that I always get up on time but banging away at 7.00am every morning.

If you’re reading this blog Mr Construction Worker I do that you.

Two requests though.

1) Please don’t continue to do it on a Friday. That’s my rest day.
2) If you persist in using my villa wall as a public lavatory I will cut it off ok.

From pissing work men to Brits Abroad – a comprehensive guide to where Britons live around the world.

55,000 ex-pats in the United Arab Emirates make it the most popular Middle East location – 13th overall in the world.

26,000 live in Saudi Arabia – but only 142 pensioners. Most Brits are temporary oil workers.

3,400 pensioners in Yemen is the largest cluster of retired British citizens in the region.

What on earth are over three thousand British pensioners doing in Yemen for heavens sake?

Answers on a postcard please.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

it's life jim but not as we knew it.......

I just don't seem to have the time to post these days. I will put in the odd offering so I hope you visit every now and again for words of fun and insight of sorts.

I did see something today though that seemed to sum up life in Dubai in a snapshot.

Driving through Merdif I noticed a delivery van unloading a brand new state of the art plasa TV and its recipient opening his front door in expectation of crystal clear viewing of all the best entertainment that the satellite has to offer.

On te other side of the street at that exact moment a couple of guys were going through the dumpster looking for anything worth selling in order to eat that night.

It's life Jim but not as we knew it.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Bye Bye Miss Australian Pie

Australian Coastline

An American academic has created a series of images which illustrate the impact global warming might have on Australia.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Kidz eh?

Children today have no idea what a skeleton key is, unless they have seen the movie "Skeleton Key".

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the first Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Roller-skating has always meant in-line for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?," or " I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sunday, September 17, 2006

be afraid

The human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Friday, September 08, 2006

up yours

unless of course he was born in Dubay.......

Monday, September 04, 2006

change your life........

Men fart an average of 17 times a day, and women fart an average of 9 times a day.

If you fart constantly for 6 years, 9 months and 23 days you would produce enough gas to explode an atomic bomb.

The longest ever penis recorded by scientists is 13.5 inches.

Humans are only second to cats for having the dirtiest mouths.

It takes about 40 muscles to smile, but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent rifle.

Beard hair grows at twice its usual rate when you're in a plane.

Around 15 men each year have their penises chopped off by their wives and the highest proportion of men who suffer this are Italians.

You use more calories eating celery than there are in celery itself.

More than 2,500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products.

Semen is one of the most fattening substances known to man.

An average of 76 people a year die playing twister, and about 23 of which are through playing the nude version!

Linda McCartney has sold more vegetarian ready made meals than Paul has sold records.

In the course of the 18 year run of Cats on broadway, 3,247 lbs of yak hair was used for wigs.

The shortest war in history was between England and Zanzibar in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

65 people become $millionaires every day.

The average human will eat one pound of insects in their lifetime.

You are more likely to be killed by a rogue champagne cork than a poisonous spider.

By the time a person is 18, they would have spent 12,000 hours in school, but 14,000 hours watching television.

Woman blink nearly twice as much as men.

Humans share one third of their DNA with lettuce!

You could comfortably fit the entire population of the planet into a cube with sides 1km long.

Apporximately 69% of all Internet content consists of pornographic material.

Porn sites generated $970 million in revenue in 1999.

Charlie Chaplin once came third in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competition.

Every 20 minutes a hapless person treads on a land mine.

The average adult falls asleep seven minutes after turning out the light.

6,000 new computer viruses are released every month.

Over one trillion matches were being produced every year at the beginning of the last century.

Elvis Presley had a twin brother.

Zeuxis a Greek painter in the 5th Centrury BC laughed hismself to death while looking at one of his paintings.

A Roman leap year had the same number of days as ordinary years but January 23rd lasted for 48 hours.

After being decapitated a human can still see for 20 seconds! (Not sure how 'they' worked this one out!).

Under EC law it is legal to have sex with inflatable dolls in the street.

Winners at the 2001 Ig-Nobel Prize ceremony for eccentric researchers, inventors and scientists include an American who claims to have invented anti-flatulence underwear, a Lithuanian who set up a theme park dedicated to Stalin, and two Indians who discovered that nose-picking is commonplace.

Right-handed people live on average, 9 years longer than left-handed people.

Human stomachs produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks to stop it digesting itself.

Humans are the only animals to sleep on their backs.

More boys than girls are born during the day, but more girls are born at night.

Julio Iglesias once had five gallons of water flown from Miami to L.A. so he could wash his hair.

Clark Gable was listed on his birth certificate as a girl.

Johnny Vaughan was born at the precise moment that England scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final.

Bernard Manning did his National Service in the Military Police and one of his duties was guarding Albert Speer and Rudolf Hess in Spandau.

Elvis Presley's hip-wiggling started out as a srage fright. He was so nervous, that his legs would shake.

John Lennon shoplifted in Holland the harmonica he used on Love Me Do.

Mel Gibson broke the school record for the most strappings in a week - 27.

Tom Cruise and Robbie Williams were both voted least Likely To Succeed at school.

Sir Winston Churchill smoked an estimated 300,000 cigars in his lifetime.

Michelangelo's cook was illiterate, so he drew her a shopping list, which today is priceless.

The arhcitect who built the Kremlin had his eyes gouged our by Iavn The Terrible so that he would never be able to design another building like it.

Pirates wore earings because they believed it improved their eyesight.

Cher's parents married and divorced each other three times.

Mike Myers (a.k.a. Austin Powers) is descended from William Wordsworth.

If you shouted for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.

Banging your head against a wall uses a 150 calories an hour.

On average, a drop of Heinz tomato ketchup leaves the bottle at a speed of 25 miles per year!

If you mouth the word "colourful" to someone, it looks like you are saying "I love you".

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

The fastest sevice in a restaurant in the world is 13 seconds from the order to the food on the table.

Wayne Static (from staticX) uses glue to stick his hair up.

The letter combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways.

Every time you lick a stamp you consume one tengh of a calorie.

Permanent marker is not actually permanent.

The shortest poem ever goes 'Adam, hae'em'.

To convert milli-inches to micro metres you must times by 25.4

There is an average of 3000 ft. of electrical wiring in every car.

During the battle for Stalingrad, the German army lost more men attacking a single house defended by sergeant Pavlov's platoon than it did occupying Paris three years later. Pavlov survived the war and became a monk.

Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.

Kermit the Frog is left handed.

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

The Earth is hit by lightning 100 times a second.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using only the letters on the top row of the keyboard.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Watch Live Football Streams Online & Enjoy FREE Live Football Online For Life!


Dear Football Fan,

There used to be restrictions on how you could enjoy football without actually attending the game in question. You could either watch live football on TV, should a terrestrial broadcaster have the rights to a particular game, or more likely you would need to watch live football on satellite.

But now there is another, free alternative!

It is now possible to enjoy a wide range of live football coverage from the comfort of your own home without the need for expensive hardware and monthly satellite or cable subscriptions.

You don't need to purchase any additional hardware, satellite dishes or viewing cards, or lay any more cable throughout your house.

In fact, by merely sending us an e-mail you should be more than equipped to watch numerous football matches beamed live around the world each and every week!

Other Entertainment Streams Included!

To add even more value to this terrific offer, there are also sources of other streaming entertainment just waiting to be watched online by you!

You can enjoy hours upon hours of classic British and worldwide television that is streamed online every single day.

Our unique package give you download links to 12 streaming sites giving you unbeatable QUALITY and VALUE.

Live football schedules included.

Never miss a live game again. Order now. Nothing more to pay. This is a one off fee, no subscription charges are payable.

100% Legal.

ONLY AED100 for the complete package.


You just have to e-mail for details.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

i'm gonna get it for this one.......pc warning and lol


It is 2050 and call centres are opening all Over the West, as the new economic power India Out-sources work to the countries where many jobs Originated. Millions of Americans, still struggling to Adapt to a global economy, are willing to accept jobs That pay them in a new currency sweeping much of the World: Rupees. Some of them, eager to land one of the Customer service jobs from India, are attending Special training sessions in New York City, led by Language specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes by a simpler Name for his Indian clients: Devendra Ramaswaminathan ...

On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching Three ambitious students how to communicate with Indian customers.

Professor: " Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need To give you Indian names. Gary, from now on, you'll be Known to your customers as Gaurav. Randy, you'll be Ranjit. And Jane, you'll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you Just received a call from Delhi. What do you say?"

Gary : " Name-as-tea ?"

Professor: " I think you mean 'Namaste.' Very good. But What do you say after that?"

Gary : " How can I help you?"

Professor: " You're on the right track. Anyone else?"

Jane: " How can I be helping you?"

Professor: " Good try! You're using the correct tense, But it's not quite right. Anyone else?"

Randy: " How I can be helping you ?"

Professor: " Wonderful! Word order is very important.
Okay, let's try some small talk. Give me a comment That would help you make a connection with your Indian Customers ."

Randy: " It's really hot, isn't it?"

Professor: " The heat is always a good topic, but you Haven't phrased it correctly. Try again."

Randy: " It's deadly hot, isn't it?"

Professor: " That's better. But your tag question can Be greatly improved."

Randy: " It's deadly hot, no?"

Professor: " Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of Almost any statement. You are understanding me, no?"

Jane: " Yes, we are understanding you, no?"

Professor (smiles): " We may need to review this later.
But let's move on to other things. Have you ever heard Indians use the word 'yaar'?"

Randy: " Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time.
Just last night, one of them said to me, 'Randy, give Me yaar password. I am needing it to fix yaar Computer."

Professor (laughs): " That's a different 'yaar,' yaar.
The 'yaar' that I'm talking about means friend or Buddy. You can use it if you've developed a rapport With a customer. For example, you can say, 'Come on, Yaar. I am offering you the best deal.' Do you Understand, Jagadamba?"

Jane: " Yaar, I do."

Professor (smiles): " Okay, let's talk about accents.
If your client says 'I yam wery vorried about vat I Bought for my vife,' how would you respond?"

Randy: " Please don't be vorrying, yaar. She vill be Wery happy and vill give you a vild time tonight."

Professor: " Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a Bright future, Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But Gaurav, you haven't said anything in a while. Do you Have any questions about what we've just learned ?"

Gary : " Yes, Professor, I do have one question:
Wouldn't it be simpler to learn Hindi?"

Monday, August 21, 2006

Friday, August 18, 2006

it's life jim but not as we know it

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

Don’t take life seriously; you’ll never get out alive

Caffeine: the universe revolves around it

Death is hereditary

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live

For every animal you don’t eat, I'm going to eat 3

If you find out the speed of dark, you know you’ve done well

If only there was a reset button on life...

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Evidence? Oh don't worry about that old boy.......

A man has spoken of his ordeal after spending six months in a Dubai prison despite knowing he was innocent.

Being found "Innocent" or "Guilty" in the Dubai Courts does not depend on PROOF OF EVIDENCE.

It is totally down to the presiding judge.

He reads statements from both parties, hears any arguments from any "legal representation" and then makes up his mind WHO HE BELIEVES.

Evidence has little to do with these decisions in the court system in Dubai.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Advice, Wisdom and Experience

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

(with thanks and credit to Dave Barry)

Peace.....Propaganda.....VIEW IT.

Peace, Propaganda and the Promised Land:

"Media & the Israel-Palestine Conflict"

View It Here

Friday, August 11, 2006

The difference between the middle east and the west

A business man returns from the Middle East.
After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Middle East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.”
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the Middle East they must know how to cure it.
So he goes back and sees a doctor in out in the Middle East.

The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”

The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

So that explains it.........

Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Proof Positive That Jesus Was...

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Jewish

1 - He went into his father's business

2 - He lived at home until the age of 33

3 - He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother sure he was God

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Irish

1 - He never got married

2 - He never held a steady job

3 - His last request was a drink

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Italian

1 - He talked with his hands

2 - He had wine with every meal

3 - He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Black

1 - He called everybody brother

2 - He held no permanent address

3 - Nobody would hire him

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Californian

1 - He never cut his hair

2 - He walked around barefoot

3 - He invented a new religion

Three Proofs That Jesus Was Puerto Rican

1 - His first name was Jesus

2 - He was always in trouble with the law

3 - His mother did not know who his father was

Over to you people....I just know what's coming.............

Monday, August 07, 2006

Our Guilty Favourite Songs

Hits by the likes of Status Quo and S Club 7 are among the Top 50 tracks people are too embarrassed to admit they own.

Or so says a recent survey by "Q" magazine.

I will admit to owning 12 of the tracks listed below! How about you.....?

Top 20 Guilty Pleasures

1 Livin' Thing - ELO
2 More Than A Feeling - Boston
3 Don't Stop Movin' - S Club 7
4 I'm Not In Love - 10CC
5 Rock'n'Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
6 Cold As Ice - Foreigner
7 Rebel Yell - Billy Idol
8 Whatever You Want - Status Quo
9 Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
10 I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
11 Since You've Been Gone - Rainbow
12 Centrefold - J Geils Band
13 Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
14 Never Ever - All Saints
15 Mr Boombastic - Shaggy
16 Owner Of A Lonely Heart - Yes
17 Manic Monday - Bangles
18 Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds
19 Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
20 Rock On - David Essex

In my defence I did blog about my top five LP's here where you can also view 10 worst album covers of all time.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Mind The Gap..............

Here is a list of 'actual' announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The

bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."
(Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:
Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Only in old Blighty

The following are extracts from daily British Newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Ethics Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very
important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is
chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with
severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major
newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of
this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to
shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you,
some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He
is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the

You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You
suddenly realize who it is.

It's Cristiano Ronaldo.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters
are about to pull him under.

You have two options--you can save the life of
Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.

So here's the question, and please give an honest
answer :

Would you select high contrast colour film,

or would you go with

the classic simplicity of black and white?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Stella Awards

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Thanks to eBaum's World for the above.

Monday, July 31, 2006

The Penis Prank

Ever received an e-mail like the one below?

From: Lela Janna
Sent: Monday, April 26 11:32 PM
Subject: Ur Diicky Is So Smaall chief vibratile freeloader

The world most--effecctive male enhance-ment pi11

Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches

Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder


Ever been tempted to order these things?

What happens when you start taking these penis pills?

Check out THE PENIS PRANK to find out the results.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

The World Map of Happiness

Researchers at the University of Leicester have come up with a map of world happiness, based on factors like wealth, education and health provision.

The darker the colour on the map, the happier the country is.........check out the news story on Sky News Pictures

Download various versions of the interactive "happy map" from The University of Leicester.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

those good 'ol boys in green

This is unbelievable. Irresponsible. Stupid. Typical Dubai Policing.

Flashers annoying, but not always wrong.

Listen to the “police” spokesman when referring to drivers that tailgate and bully other law abiding motorists………

“if they want to get a fine or cause a crash that is their problem.”

NO! NO! NO! It’s YOUR problem Mr. Policeman………..I could not believe I was reading this….and we wonder why there is so much death and destruction on the roads of Dubai.

If such an irresponsible comment were made by a senior police officer in the UK he would be forced to resign but here in Dubai he will probably get a medal.

Another thing………..
I wonder how the story would have been played out if the flashing driver was a Pakistani cab driver and the guy going at the legal limit refusing to move over was in a blacked out Land Cruiser…I wonder what the Policeman’s take on the situation would have been under these circumstances.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


I love spread the word when I stumble across a great site, so here people, I present to you...........drum roll please........


The introduction reads:

"It's a big, lonely world out there. We've all had times when we needed a friend, but none were around. Well, I'm here to change that. Now, no matter where you are or what type of friendship you need, you have a friend waiting to help - Rentapal."

Go on; you know it makes sense........

It continues:

Do you need...
- some good advice?
- a shoulder to cry on?
- career guidance?
- help with your love life?
- an activity partner?
- some conversation?
- a dinner companion?
- a party escort?
- someone to talk to?

Check it out here! you know you need to.......

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Jockey Headbutts Horse

A jump jockey has apologised after being caught on camera headbutting a horse.

O'Neill said he had "never done anything like this before".

The incident was reminiscent of Zinedine Zidane's headbutt on the Italian defender Marco Materazzi in the World Cup final earlier this month.

The horse has now been suspended for 2 races as O'Neill confirmed that it had insulted the Irish-born jockey's sister and mother.

Monday, July 24, 2006

tequila and salt

You may have seen this before, but it's worth
reading and remembering................

This should probably be taped to your
bathroom mirror where one could read
it every day. You may not realize it, but
it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this
world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love
you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever
hate you is because they want to be
just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness
to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about
you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know
exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake
ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned
its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments
you received. Forget about the
rude remarks.

So............If you are a loving friend, send
this to everyone, including the one that
sent it to you. If you get it back, then they
really do love you.

And always remember....when life hands
you lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Imagine There's No Heaven

Pupils at a church primary school in the UK have been banned from singing John Lennon's Imagine - because the prat of a headteacher says it is "anti-religious".

The song was pencilled in for an end-of-term concert at St Leonard's CofE school in Exeter, Devon.

But according to The Sun, they sang The Building Song instead because head Geoff (prat) Williams thought it more suitable.

Lennon's famous hymn to peace imagines a world with "no religion" - and that would be a bad thing?

The report goes on to say:

Parent Deborah Dorman said: "It is a great song and it seems over-sensitive to remove it. It think the words are fantastic."

Mr Williams countered: "As a church school, we decided it was not appropriate to sing it."

School Governer Rev David Harris added: "The song expresses longing for a different world and for eternal happines.

"But it says you can have this without religion."

Terry Sanderson of the National Secular Society said: "The song is quite innocent. It's incredible churches are happy to censor it."

"The song expresses longing for a different world and for eternal happines.
"But it says you can have this without religion."

Well eh yes; that's the fucking point - of course you can.......and all the better the world would be for it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Gay or Eurotrash!

This has been on the web for years now but is as funny today as it ever was!

Play the game and check out the commentary, is a classic of our times people.


Play Gay or Eurotrash?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

drug sentence

Confirmation, if one was needed, that Dubai has one set of laws for the rich and one for the not so rich, can be found in the following story.

American handed four-year drug sentence.

It is not with any surprise that this gentleman was sentenced in such a fashion; after all it follows the law of the land and ignorance of the law, as anywhere in the world, is no defense.

The fact that this guy appeared in court the very same day as a certain Mr. Dallas Austin, and was charged with the very same crime at the very same airport is also of no significance what so ever, as there is no law of precedence in the UAE.

What this story does highlight however is that if you have money and the influence it brings, you can be above the law in Dubai.

This people is FACT and those that have lived and worked in Dubai for at least a few years will know this to be true and will not have been surprised at the Dallas Austin pardon or the verdict handed down to "LK".

Both were American, there are no race issues here, just the greatest divide of all and a divide that the great and good of Dubai worship daily. Cold hard cash.

Don't be fooled again.

Monday, July 17, 2006

What Is Cynicism?

"Come in, good visitor, and shut the door behind you."

Thus is your welcome to "Cynic's Sanctuary" ..........

And what worldly evils and petty vexations may have driven you there?

What kind of evils and vexations would drive an otherwise healthy human being to seek solace among cynics? How about these, for starters:

"We'll keep your resume on file"
People whose cell phones ring at movies and funerals
Being ridiculed by your inferiors
Wondering if you're inferior to your inferiors
Going bald, especially if you're a woman
Getting stuck in a bad career
Realizing that a bad career makes a bad life
The demise of Western civilization
The triumph of degeneracy, barbarism, evil, and MBAs
Cheesy books that stay on the bestseller list for 187 weeks
Chronic disappointment
Eating bean sprouts and dying young anyway
Eternal damnation as your final reward

Yes, know here I am going with this....? Check it out, The Cynics Sanctuary. You know it makes sense.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

it got me thinking

Sagan on Time Travel

Carl Sagan, the astronomer, Pulitzer Prize-winning author, and legendary popularizer of science, gave this interview during the making of "Time Travel." True to form, he discusses arcane aspects of the field—from how you define time to what it might look like inside a wormhole—with flair and a refreshing dash of humor. Sagan was David Duncan Professor of Astronomy and Space Sciences and director of the Laboratory for Planetary Studies at Cornell University when he died in 1996.

NOVA: Let's start with the crux of the matter. What for you is time?

Sagan: Ever since St. Augustine, people have wrestled with this, and there are all sorts of things it isn't. It isn't a flow of something, because what does it flow past? We use time to measure flow. How could we use time to measure time? We are stuck in it, each of us time travels into the future, one year, every year. None of us to any significant precision does otherwise. If we could travel close to the speed of light, then we could travel further into the future in a given amount of time. It is one of those concepts that is profoundly resistant to a simple definition.

NOVA: Do you think that backwards time travel will ever be possible?

Sagan: Such questions are purely a matter of evidence, and if the evidence is inconsistent or insufficient, then we withhold judgment until there is better evidence. Right now we're in one of those classic, wonderfully evocative moments in science when we don't know, when there are those on both sides of the debate, and when what is at stake is very mystifying and very profound.

If we could travel into the past, it's mind-boggling what would be possible. For one thing, history would become an experimental science, which it certainly isn't today. The possible insights into our own past and nature and origins would be dazzling. For another, we would be facing the deep paradoxes of interfering with the scheme of causality that has led to our own time and ourselves. I have no idea whether it's possible, but it's certainly worth exploring.

NOVA: Would you like it to be possible?

Sagan: I have mixed feelings. The explorer and experimentalist in me would very much like it to be possible. But the idea that going into the past could wipe me out so that I would have never lived is somewhat disquieting.

NOVA: On that note, can you describe the "grandfather paradox?"

Sagan: The grandfather paradox is a very simple, science-fiction-based apparent inconsistency at the very heart of the idea of time travel into the past. It's very simply that you travel into the past and murder your own grandfather before he sires your mother or your father, and where does that then leave you? Do you instantly pop out of existence because you were never made? Or are you in a new causality scheme in which, since you are there you are there, and the events in the future leading to your adult life are now very different? The heart of the paradox is the apparent existence of you, the murderer of your own grandfather, when the very act of you murdering your own grandfather eliminates the possibility of you ever coming into existence.

Among the claimed solutions are that you can't murder your grandfather. You shoot him, but at the critical moment he bends over to tie his shoelace, or the gun jams, or somehow nature contrives to prevent the act that interrupts the causality scheme leading to your own existence.

NOVA: Do you find it easy to believe the world might work that way—that is, self-consistently—or do you think it's more likely that that there are parallel universes?

Sagan: It's still somewhat of a heretical ideal to suggest that every interference with an event in the past leads to a fork, a branch in causality. You have two equally valid universes: one, the one that we all know and love, and the other, which is brought about by the act of time travel. I know the idea of the universe having to work out a self-consistent causality is appealing to a great many physicists, but I don't find the argument for it so compelling. I think inconsistencies might very well be consistent with the universe.

NOVA: As a physicist, what do you make of Stephen Hawking's chronological protection conjecture [which holds that the laws of physics disallow time machines]?

Sagan: There have been some toy experiments in which, at just the moment that the time machine is actuated, the universe conspires to blow it up, which has led Hawking and others to conclude that nature will contrive it so that time travel never in fact occurs. But no one actually knows that this is the case, and it cannot be known until we have a full theory of quantum gravity, which we do not seem to be on the verge of yet.

One of Hawking's arguments in the conjecture is that we are not awash in thousands of time travelers from the future, and therefore time travel is impossible. This argument I find very dubious, and it reminds me very much of the argument that there cannot be intelligences elsewhere in space, because otherwise the Earth would be awash in aliens. I can think half a dozen ways in which we could not be awash in time travelers, and still time travel is possible.

NOVA: Such as?

Sagan: First of all, it might be that you can build a time machine to go into the future, but not into the past, and we don't know about it because we haven't yet invented that time machine. Secondly, it might be that time travel into the past is possible, but they haven't gotten to our time yet, they're very far in the future and the further back in time you go, the more expensive it is. Thirdly, maybe backward time travel is possible, but only up to the moment that time travel is invented. We haven't invented it yet, so they can't come to us. They can come to as far back as whatever it would be, say A.D. 2300, but not further back in time.

Then there's the possibility that they're here alright, but we don't see them. They have perfect invisibility cloaks or something. If they have such highly developed technology, then why not? Then there's the possibility that they're here and we do see them, but we call them something else—UFOs or ghosts or hobgoblins or fairies or something like that. Finally, there's the possibility that time travel is perfectly possible, but it requires a great advance in our technology, and human civilization will destroy itself before time travelers invent it.

I'm sure there are other possibilities as well, but if you just think of that range of possibilities, I don't think the fact that we're not obviously being visited by time travelers shows that time travel is impossible.

NOVA: How is the speed of light connected to time travel?

Sagan: A profound consequence of Einstein's special theory of relativity is that no material object can travel as fast as light. It is forbidden. There is a commandment: Thou shalt not travel at the speed of light, and there's nothing we can do to travel that fast.

The reason this is connected with time travel is because another consequence of special relativity is that time, as measured by the speeding space traveler, slows down compared to time as measured by a friend left home on Earth. This is sometimes described as the "twin paradox": two identical twins, one of whom goes off on a voyage close to the speed of light, and the other one stays home. When the space-traveling twin returns home, he or she has aged only a little, while the twin who has remained at home has aged at the regular pace. So we have two identical twins who may be decades apart in age. Or maybe the traveling twin returns in the far future, if you go close enough to the speed of light, and everybody he knows, everybody he ever heard of has died, and it's a very different civilization.

It's an intriguing idea, and it underscores the fact that time travel into the indefinite future is consistent with the laws of nature. It's only travel backwards in time that is the source of the debate and the tingling sensations that physicists and science-fiction readers delight in.

NOVA: In your novel Contact, your main character Eleanor Arroway travels through a wormhole. Can you describe a wormhole?

Sagan: Let's imagine that we live in a two-dimensional space. We wish to go from spot A to spot B. But A and B are so far apart that at the speed of light it would take much longer than a generational time or two to get there as measured back on world A. Instead, you have a kind of tunnel that goes through an otherwise inaccessible third dimension and connects A and B. You can go much faster through the tunnel, and so you get from A to B without covering the intervening space, which is somewhat mind-boggling but consistent with the laws of nature. And [the theoretical physicist] Kip Thorne found that if we imagine an indefinitely advanced technical civilization, such a wormhole is consistent with the laws of physics.

It's very different from saying that we ourselves could construct such a wormhole. One of the basic ideas of how to do it is that there are fantastically minute wormholes that are forming and decaying all the time at the quantum level, and the idea is to grab one of those and keep it permanently open. Our high-energy particle accelerators don't have enough energy to even detect the phenomenon at that scale, much less do anything like holding a wormhole open. But it did seem in principle possible, so I reconfigured the book so that Eleanor Arroway successfully makes it through the center of the galaxy via a wormhole.

NOVA: What do you think it would be like to travel through a wormhole?

Sagan: Nobody really knows, but what Thorne has taught me is that say, for example, you were going through a wormhole from point A to point B. Suppose point B was in orbit around some bright star. The moment you were in the wormhole, near your point of origin A, you would see that star. And it would be very bright; it wouldn't be a tiny point in the distance. On the other hand, if you look sideways, you would not see out of the wormhole, you would be in that fourth physical dimension. What the walls of the wormhole would be is deeply mysterious. And the possibility was also raised that if you looked backwards in the wormhole you would see the very place on world A that you had left. And that would be true even as you emerged out of the wormhole near the star B. You would see in space a kind of black sphere, in which would be an image of the place you had left on Earth, just floating in the blackness of space. Very Alice in Wonderland.

NOVA: Your inquiries about space travel for Contact sparked a whole new direction in research on time travel. How does that make you feel?

Sagan: I find it marvellous, I mean literally marvellous, full of marvel, that this innocent inquiry in the context of writing a science-fiction novel has sparked a whole field of physics and dozens of scientific papers by some of the best physicists in the world. I'm so pleased to have played this catalytic role not just in fast spaceflight but in the idea of time travel.

NOVA: How do you feel being responsible for bringing time travel perhaps a step closer?

Sagan: I don't know that I've brought time travel a step closer. If anyone has it's Kip Thorne. But maybe the joint effort of all those involved in this debate has at least increased the respectability of serious consideration of the possibility of time travel. As a youngster who was fascinated by the possibility of time travel in the science-fiction novels of H.G. Wells, Robert Heinlein, and others, to be in any way involved in the possible actualization of time travel—well, it just brings goose bumps. Of course we're not really at that stage; we don't know that time travel is even possible, and if it is, we certainly haven't developed the time machine. But it's a stunning fact that we have now reached a stage in our understanding of nature where this is even a bare possibility.

There you have it then......anyway, if your interested try visiting Nova to find out more.....

Friday, July 14, 2006

Thursday, July 13, 2006

World Cup diary from Theo Walcott

What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq

I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown
up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to
live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does
live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it
will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles
and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's
a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly
too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and
wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does
Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle
Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks
like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses
and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me
some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we
beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time

While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with
Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got
herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any
and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play
with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of
her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he
bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on

All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays
with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy,
that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden,
Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk
to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle

Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last
night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a
plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books,
he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better
so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not
like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while
we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood
on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all
saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had
to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his

I think


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

ban the blacked out cars

Speeders pulled over

“We were very keen on pulling people over and handing them tickets since that proved more effective as a deterrent because it gets the drivers’ attention right away,”

Police pulled over 1,257 drivers on highways last month in a bid to crack down on speeding.

The trouble is, how many blacked out 4x4's were pulled over?

My guess? out of 1,257.......ZERO, NIL, ZILCH....

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Accidental Accident Reports

These quotes are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

you can hear the judge saying it........


"Not another one," exclaimed judge Mahmoud Al Sharshabi when he called on an American suspect, identified as L.P., in his mid 20s.

The suspect is being tried for drug-related charges.

Dubai Public Prosecution charged L.P. with possessing and consuming cocaine. The defendant confessed to the charges. The Dubai Court of First Instance adjourned till next week.

The world waits for the verdict - don't hold your breath.......

Mean while, back to the world of dreams.......

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Everybody must get stoned?

Dubai ruler pardons Grammy-winning producer

You take Sally and I'll take Sue
Their ain't no difference between the two
Cocaine, running all 'round my brain

Headin' down Scott, turnin' up Main
Looking for that girl that sells cocaine
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Late last night about a quarter past four
Ladanyi come knockin' down my hotel room door
Where's the cocaine--
It's runnin' all 'round my brain

I was talking to my doctor down at the hospital
He said, "Son, it says here you're twenty-seven,
But that's impossible
Cocaine-- you look like you could be forty-five"

Now I'm losing touch with reality and I'm almost out of blow
It's such a fine line-- I hate to see it go
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

(c) Jackson Brown

Published with thanks and respect to Jackson and the authorities in the UAE with appologies to "Doug", who is being held in a Dubai jail "pending trial" for a similar, if lesser "offence"

Monday, July 03, 2006

bud bud bud bud make mine a bud

Came accross this gem today:

Check out "THE SINGSONS"

It is quality from the entertaining people at BADMASH; check them out.

More on our very own HOT TOPIC; I present:

Very Politically Incorrect Humour......Now you have been warned; if this type of things offends then go play somewhere else ok.

A selection of politically incorrect one liners

What's red and hangs from a tree ?
A sanitary owl

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.

Why are women and condoms so similar?
Because they're either on your dick or in your wallet.

What do Americans use as contraception?
Their personalities.

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

How can you tell when you've passed an Elephant?
You can't close the loo seat

Q: What do you call a pissed Arab?

*There was another "Arab" joke here; but I am afraid to post it folks! which is very sad as I should not be afraid to post anything, BUT, I am living in the UAE and don't want to be stoned, well when I say stoned I mean......oh you know what I mean, back to the "jokes".........

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don't get mistaken for feminists

How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Q: What's brown and taps at the window
A: A poo on stilts!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

racist? moi?

Now to prove we are free of racism, the following jokes do not include any racial minorities, jews, martians or other whiny multiculturalists. Underground is not responsible for anything in this post, none of it is original!
These jokes should be considered clean and in good taste, we hope. If you are offended, grow up and take it like a man, or go watch Sesame Street.......

You must use the appropriate accent for added effect.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Iff it was a Gerrrman light bulb it vouldd nott neeeed to be replassst.

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Heeey bebe, if the lights are out, wee do not want dem them on anyway, eeeeh.(wink, wink)

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
51. One to hold, and fifty to turn the house.

How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, who can affford a light bulb?

How many gay white guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5. One to screw it in, and four to say, "Ohhh fabulouth, ohhh thimply fabulouth."

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Are light bulbs a federal issue? Or provincial? We should set up a Royal Commission. Would it offend anyone if we take a position? Have there been any Human Rights Commission rulings on this issue? These are white light bulbs. Shouldn’t there be some blue ones and brown ones to show our support for our multicultural heritage? Have any rabbits been subject to testing from these light bulbs? We should talk to our lawyer first.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. but the half time show is something else !!!

over to you people; I am sure you have some additions to list little list for us?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

don't mention the war........

Rather than using the age-old technique of talking a bit louder, learn a bit of da lingo......

Big up to

Officer, would you mind taking your arm from around my neck as I am having some trouble catching my breath...
Lass los, du idiot.

Can I have four large jugs of your strongest beer over here please, landlord. And a glass of white wine for the lovely lady...
Vier Bier hier bitte, und eine Liebfrauenmilch für die liebe Frau.

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Ficky, Ficky? (Remember the message is the main thing.)

Hey Mr DJ, is there any chance you could play something other than David Hasselhoff?
Hey Herr DJ, ich hasse Hasselhoff. Spiel was andres.

That's not a Nazi salute...I was just stretching
Das war kein Nazi-Gruß...Ich habe die Arme nur gestreckt.

Excuse me, can you help me with a quiz question: Who scored England's final goal in their 5-1 demolition of Germany in 2001?
Entschuldigung, können Sie mir helfen bei einer Quiz - Frage: Wer hat das letzte Tor geschossen, als England 2001 Deutschland mit 5 :1 demolierte?

Here's a Euro - give your mum a ring and tell her you've pulled
Hier ist ein Euro. Ruf Deine Mutter an und sag ihr, dass Du jemanden aufgerissen hast.

Have you got anything that doesn't come with cabbage? It gives me awful wind and I'm hoping to meet a young lady later and get a little jiggy with it.
Haben Sie irgendwas ohne Kohl? Davon kriege ich saumäßige Blähungen und ich möchte eine junge Dame treffen und wir wollen, Jiggy' damit.

Useful words to know...

1. Bra = Bustenhalter (literally is a bust holder, we just love this word).

2. Testicles = Eier (meaning eggs. As in 'someone has just kicked Paul in the eggs, poor fellow. That must smart').

3. Blouse = Blau (meaning blue, but more importantly 'pissed' as in under the influence of excessive amounts of Alt. (See 4))

4. Old = Alt (but more importantly a tasty German brew with about 4.8% of alcohol. If everybody drinks enough of this stuff, communication between nationalities can get better. N.B: It can also get worse.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Situational Awareness


You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Watch England Or Watch Your Pint

It's an age-old dilemma: to watch the England match with mates in a living room of your choice, or all bundle down to the local pub.

Underground was persuaded to try out option B on Sunday, and found ten flaws:

1) It is a universal law embraced by all landlords that while an England match will produce a vast surge in the number of customers, the number of personnel behind the bar must remain consistent with any other day, thus resulting in the longest and most impatient queue since the Bank of England announced it was handing out free money.

2) People still believe that throwing pints to greet England goals is 'wacky' behaviour, bound to create a good laugh.

3) The tallest man in the pub will, without fail, stand directly in front of the 'Big Screen'. He will also be deaf.

4) Should you wrangle a position from which to see the television by standing adjacent to a slot-machine, another patron will announce mid-way through the match, or at half-time, that he wants to spend an alternative penny.

5) Whilst a shout of "Beckham, you c**t" within two seconds of the kick-off is reasonably amusing, it does lose its appeal after the eleventh airing within the opening ten minutes.

6) Upon the first voiced criticism of a Chelski player, it will quickly become apparent where those British citizens subject to a banning order during the World Cup are watching the tournament.

7) Other than noticing the frequency with which goalkeeper Paul Robinson kicks the ball directly back to his counterpart, it's surprisingly difficult to follow the match in a packed pub. Interminable protection of your pint from stray elbows is a practical and essential distraction.

8) It is a second law of World Cup pubs that every licensed premises must host at least one member of the female species attempting to ingratiate herself with 'the lads' by loudly repeating a few comments that sound suspiciously similar to those published in that morning's newspapers. Whilst it may be possible to ignore her, it is impossible not to hear her. She's bound to be a minger too.

9) Four pints later, an awakening of the loins prompts a few thoughts along the lines of 'actually, I would', even though you know you probably shouldn't.

10) The leg-weariness caused by standing upright for two hours without a break isn't just an irritation - it's also a worrying indication that you are getting old.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Why did the chicken cross the road.......?

Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.

Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Darwin's Answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

Moses's Answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the

Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.

George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.

O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Becoming Lebanese: A step-by-step guide.

Ladies and gentlemen, following this exclusive on-line guide is a
sure-fire way to be mistaken for a Leb.

The driver's seat must be in an uncomfortable and impractical
reclined position at all times. No more than one hand shall be on the wheel
at any time. The other hand should be on the window frame.
Alternatively it may be located on the gear-shift or your girlfriend's leg.
Profuse use of horn is encouraged. Religious symbols are to be attached to
dashboard at will. Shiny rims and tinted windows, accompanied by
thinly veiled threats to fellow motorists on your back window are

Shirts are never to be tucked in. A minimum of three buttons must
be undone to reveal chest hair and optional gold medallion. Brand
names, preferably not fake, are to be exposed on every visible area of
Jeans and shiny loafers are required to complete the look, along
with a generous helping of Brylcreem.

Ownership of mobile phones released more than two months ago are a
big no-no. Be sure to keep your phone visible at all times. Keep it in
your hand and place it on the table during diner or coffee. Fiddle
around with the menu at all times, to seem like you are always
being pursued by serial text-messagers.

The point of dining is not to eat. It is to see and be seen. Make
no mistake. Talk loudly, be rude to staff. Never, ever, under any
circumstances, thank your waiter. Throw evil looks at neighboring
tables, whether you know them or not. Laugh audibly, just so
everyone knows you're having more fun than them. Crack out a cheap cigar,
even if you're 18, to project a clichéd 80s image of wealth.

You must pull up at the door in a shiny new car. Whether it's
yours is inconsequential. Call bouncer 'habibe' a couple of times, and
crack same joke whilst tapping him on shoulder. Demonstrate rudeness to
staff (see Dining). Act like you own the place. Order recklessly,
and cry later. Throw evil looks at neighboring tables (see Dining
Shake fist in the air as substitute for actual dancing. Push that
guy who dared look at your girlfriend. Drunk drive to the nearest
Zaatar w Zeit, get in a fight with someone over a parking space. Order

Again, the purpose of the cinema is not a love of film. It is to
waste two hours of time, and annoy a great deal of people
Have loudly whispered conversations on your phone during parts of
the film integral to the plot. Throw popcorn at neighboring seats.
Laugh in all the wrong places. Make inappropriate comments during tense
scenes. Applaud good guys who punch a baddie.

Arabic is not the official language of Lebanon, forget what you've
been told. You will need to master the bastard language that is
frenglishabic. Use at least three languages in every conversation,
introducing the ones you master the least only for greetings and
partings (hola, ciao, …)


Chose one of a plethora of local, petty leaders. Adore them. Place
their pictures on your car, balcony and other visible areas that
may come under your ownership. Follow them blindly, regardless of how
racist, irrational and frightening they are.

University is not a place to learn. It is a vast social club,
where one must adorn one's entire wardrobe on a daily basis to attract
potential mates. Class attendance is inversely proportional to the
amount of sunshine on any particular day. Be just as flashy on
campus as you would be in a club. Try to get your degree before failing
every course four times.

Spend money you don't have, to buy things you don't need, to
impress people you don't like.

Ahla, bienvenue to our world habibe/habibte.