Saturday, September 23, 2006

Kidz eh?

Children today have no idea what a skeleton key is, unless they have seen the movie "Skeleton Key".

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the first Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Roller-skating has always meant in-line for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?," or " I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sunday, September 17, 2006

be afraid

The human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Doritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Friday, September 08, 2006

up yours

unless of course he was born in Dubay.......

Monday, September 04, 2006

change your life........

Men fart an average of 17 times a day, and women fart an average of 9 times a day.

If you fart constantly for 6 years, 9 months and 23 days you would produce enough gas to explode an atomic bomb.

The longest ever penis recorded by scientists is 13.5 inches.

Humans are only second to cats for having the dirtiest mouths.

It takes about 40 muscles to smile, but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent rifle.

Beard hair grows at twice its usual rate when you're in a plane.

Around 15 men each year have their penises chopped off by their wives and the highest proportion of men who suffer this are Italians.

You use more calories eating celery than there are in celery itself.

More than 2,500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products.

Semen is one of the most fattening substances known to man.

An average of 76 people a year die playing twister, and about 23 of which are through playing the nude version!

Linda McCartney has sold more vegetarian ready made meals than Paul has sold records.

In the course of the 18 year run of Cats on broadway, 3,247 lbs of yak hair was used for wigs.

The shortest war in history was between England and Zanzibar in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

65 people become $millionaires every day.

The average human will eat one pound of insects in their lifetime.

You are more likely to be killed by a rogue champagne cork than a poisonous spider.

By the time a person is 18, they would have spent 12,000 hours in school, but 14,000 hours watching television.

Woman blink nearly twice as much as men.

Humans share one third of their DNA with lettuce!

You could comfortably fit the entire population of the planet into a cube with sides 1km long.

Apporximately 69% of all Internet content consists of pornographic material.

Porn sites generated $970 million in revenue in 1999.

Charlie Chaplin once came third in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like competition.

Every 20 minutes a hapless person treads on a land mine.

The average adult falls asleep seven minutes after turning out the light.

6,000 new computer viruses are released every month.

Over one trillion matches were being produced every year at the beginning of the last century.

Elvis Presley had a twin brother.

Zeuxis a Greek painter in the 5th Centrury BC laughed hismself to death while looking at one of his paintings.

A Roman leap year had the same number of days as ordinary years but January 23rd lasted for 48 hours.

After being decapitated a human can still see for 20 seconds! (Not sure how 'they' worked this one out!).

Under EC law it is legal to have sex with inflatable dolls in the street.

Winners at the 2001 Ig-Nobel Prize ceremony for eccentric researchers, inventors and scientists include an American who claims to have invented anti-flatulence underwear, a Lithuanian who set up a theme park dedicated to Stalin, and two Indians who discovered that nose-picking is commonplace.

Right-handed people live on average, 9 years longer than left-handed people.

Human stomachs produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks to stop it digesting itself.

Humans are the only animals to sleep on their backs.

More boys than girls are born during the day, but more girls are born at night.

Julio Iglesias once had five gallons of water flown from Miami to L.A. so he could wash his hair.

Clark Gable was listed on his birth certificate as a girl.

Johnny Vaughan was born at the precise moment that England scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final.

Bernard Manning did his National Service in the Military Police and one of his duties was guarding Albert Speer and Rudolf Hess in Spandau.

Elvis Presley's hip-wiggling started out as a srage fright. He was so nervous, that his legs would shake.

John Lennon shoplifted in Holland the harmonica he used on Love Me Do.

Mel Gibson broke the school record for the most strappings in a week - 27.

Tom Cruise and Robbie Williams were both voted least Likely To Succeed at school.

Sir Winston Churchill smoked an estimated 300,000 cigars in his lifetime.

Michelangelo's cook was illiterate, so he drew her a shopping list, which today is priceless.

The arhcitect who built the Kremlin had his eyes gouged our by Iavn The Terrible so that he would never be able to design another building like it.

Pirates wore earings because they believed it improved their eyesight.

Cher's parents married and divorced each other three times.

Mike Myers (a.k.a. Austin Powers) is descended from William Wordsworth.

If you shouted for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Volleyball is the most popular sport at nudist camps.

Banging your head against a wall uses a 150 calories an hour.

On average, a drop of Heinz tomato ketchup leaves the bottle at a speed of 25 miles per year!

If you mouth the word "colourful" to someone, it looks like you are saying "I love you".

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

The fastest sevice in a restaurant in the world is 13 seconds from the order to the food on the table.

Wayne Static (from staticX) uses glue to stick his hair up.

The letter combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways.

Every time you lick a stamp you consume one tengh of a calorie.

Permanent marker is not actually permanent.

The shortest poem ever goes 'Adam, hae'em'.

To convert milli-inches to micro metres you must times by 25.4

There is an average of 3000 ft. of electrical wiring in every car.

During the battle for Stalingrad, the German army lost more men attacking a single house defended by sergeant Pavlov's platoon than it did occupying Paris three years later. Pavlov survived the war and became a monk.

Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.

Kermit the Frog is left handed.

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

The Earth is hit by lightning 100 times a second.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using only the letters on the top row of the keyboard.