Sunday, May 04, 2008

Question: What is a bastard exactly?

"What is a bastard?“

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the one of the few truisms in life is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In the photo following, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Jokes to offend everyone.........

History teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f***ing> white man to be called Winston!'

I've just loaded 'British Airways Boeing 777 Simulator' onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm? The McCartneys But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you t**t!'

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says F***ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

and with that

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Monday, February 25, 2008

Sunday, February 17, 2008

all about nowt

Big Questions

What people are asking this week

Whose relationship split has brought back
the rumours that their union was sparked
by a contract brokered by their
publicists who were keen to dampen down
speculation about both celebrities'
private lives?

What's wrong with Britain? The publicly voted short-
list for “Celebrity Mum of the Year” includes Mel B,
Posh, Heather Mills, Katie Price and Kate Garraway.

Food for thought

Like lambs to the slaughter

Waitrose is making a film on an Oxfordshire
farm to show to its shareholders meeting,
to confirm that the firm's farming and produce
is all lovely and ethical. The farm is indeed
everything they say it is. Wonder if they'll
mention that it is owned by Lord Sainsbury.

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.

"I was talking to the duck."