Monday, July 31, 2006

The Penis Prank

Ever received an e-mail like the one below?

From: Lela Janna
Sent: Monday, April 26 11:32 PM
Subject: Ur Diicky Is So Smaall chief vibratile freeloader

The world most--effecctive male enhance-ment pi11

Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches

Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder


Ever been tempted to order these things?

What happens when you start taking these penis pills?

Check out THE PENIS PRANK to find out the results.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

The World Map of Happiness

Researchers at the University of Leicester have come up with a map of world happiness, based on factors like wealth, education and health provision.

The darker the colour on the map, the happier the country is.........check out the news story on Sky News Pictures

Download various versions of the interactive "happy map" from The University of Leicester.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

those good 'ol boys in green

This is unbelievable. Irresponsible. Stupid. Typical Dubai Policing.

Flashers annoying, but not always wrong.

Listen to the “police” spokesman when referring to drivers that tailgate and bully other law abiding motorists………

“if they want to get a fine or cause a crash that is their problem.”

NO! NO! NO! It’s YOUR problem Mr. Policeman………..I could not believe I was reading this….and we wonder why there is so much death and destruction on the roads of Dubai.

If such an irresponsible comment were made by a senior police officer in the UK he would be forced to resign but here in Dubai he will probably get a medal.

Another thing………..
I wonder how the story would have been played out if the flashing driver was a Pakistani cab driver and the guy going at the legal limit refusing to move over was in a blacked out Land Cruiser…I wonder what the Policeman’s take on the situation would have been under these circumstances.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


I love spread the word when I stumble across a great site, so here people, I present to you...........drum roll please........


The introduction reads:

"It's a big, lonely world out there. We've all had times when we needed a friend, but none were around. Well, I'm here to change that. Now, no matter where you are or what type of friendship you need, you have a friend waiting to help - Rentapal."

Go on; you know it makes sense........

It continues:

Do you need...
- some good advice?
- a shoulder to cry on?
- career guidance?
- help with your love life?
- an activity partner?
- some conversation?
- a dinner companion?
- a party escort?
- someone to talk to?

Check it out here! you know you need to.......

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Jockey Headbutts Horse

A jump jockey has apologised after being caught on camera headbutting a horse.

O'Neill said he had "never done anything like this before".

The incident was reminiscent of Zinedine Zidane's headbutt on the Italian defender Marco Materazzi in the World Cup final earlier this month.

The horse has now been suspended for 2 races as O'Neill confirmed that it had insulted the Irish-born jockey's sister and mother.

Monday, July 24, 2006

tequila and salt

You may have seen this before, but it's worth
reading and remembering................

This should probably be taped to your
bathroom mirror where one could read
it every day. You may not realize it, but
it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this
world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love
you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever
hate you is because they want to be
just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness
to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about
you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know
exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake
ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned
its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments
you received. Forget about the
rude remarks.

So............If you are a loving friend, send
this to everyone, including the one that
sent it to you. If you get it back, then they
really do love you.

And always remember....when life hands
you lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Imagine There's No Heaven

Pupils at a church primary school in the UK have been banned from singing John Lennon's Imagine - because the prat of a headteacher says it is "anti-religious".

The song was pencilled in for an end-of-term concert at St Leonard's CofE school in Exeter, Devon.

But according to The Sun, they sang The Building Song instead because head Geoff (prat) Williams thought it more suitable.

Lennon's famous hymn to peace imagines a world with "no religion" - and that would be a bad thing?

The report goes on to say:

Parent Deborah Dorman said: "It is a great song and it seems over-sensitive to remove it. It think the words are fantastic."

Mr Williams countered: "As a church school, we decided it was not appropriate to sing it."

School Governer Rev David Harris added: "The song expresses longing for a different world and for eternal happines.

"But it says you can have this without religion."

Terry Sanderson of the National Secular Society said: "The song is quite innocent. It's incredible churches are happy to censor it."

"The song expresses longing for a different world and for eternal happines.
"But it says you can have this without religion."

Well eh yes; that's the fucking point - of course you can.......and all the better the world would be for it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Gay or Eurotrash!

This has been on the web for years now but is as funny today as it ever was!

Play the game and check out the commentary, is a classic of our times people.


Play Gay or Eurotrash?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

drug sentence

Confirmation, if one was needed, that Dubai has one set of laws for the rich and one for the not so rich, can be found in the following story.

American handed four-year drug sentence.

It is not with any surprise that this gentleman was sentenced in such a fashion; after all it follows the law of the land and ignorance of the law, as anywhere in the world, is no defense.

The fact that this guy appeared in court the very same day as a certain Mr. Dallas Austin, and was charged with the very same crime at the very same airport is also of no significance what so ever, as there is no law of precedence in the UAE.

What this story does highlight however is that if you have money and the influence it brings, you can be above the law in Dubai.

This people is FACT and those that have lived and worked in Dubai for at least a few years will know this to be true and will not have been surprised at the Dallas Austin pardon or the verdict handed down to "LK".

Both were American, there are no race issues here, just the greatest divide of all and a divide that the great and good of Dubai worship daily. Cold hard cash.

Don't be fooled again.

Monday, July 17, 2006

What Is Cynicism?

"Come in, good visitor, and shut the door behind you."

Thus is your welcome to "Cynic's Sanctuary" ..........

And what worldly evils and petty vexations may have driven you there?

What kind of evils and vexations would drive an otherwise healthy human being to seek solace among cynics? How about these, for starters:

"We'll keep your resume on file"
People whose cell phones ring at movies and funerals
Being ridiculed by your inferiors
Wondering if you're inferior to your inferiors
Going bald, especially if you're a woman
Getting stuck in a bad career
Realizing that a bad career makes a bad life
The demise of Western civilization
The triumph of degeneracy, barbarism, evil, and MBAs
Cheesy books that stay on the bestseller list for 187 weeks
Chronic disappointment
Eating bean sprouts and dying young anyway
Eternal damnation as your final reward

Yes, know here I am going with this....? Check it out, The Cynics Sanctuary. You know it makes sense.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

it got me thinking

Sagan on Time Travel

Carl Sagan, the astronomer, Pulitzer Prize-winning author, and legendary popularizer of science, gave this interview during the making of "Time Travel." True to form, he discusses arcane aspects of the field—from how you define time to what it might look like inside a wormhole—with flair and a refreshing dash of humor. Sagan was David Duncan Professor of Astronomy and Space Sciences and director of the Laboratory for Planetary Studies at Cornell University when he died in 1996.

NOVA: Let's start with the crux of the matter. What for you is time?

Sagan: Ever since St. Augustine, people have wrestled with this, and there are all sorts of things it isn't. It isn't a flow of something, because what does it flow past? We use time to measure flow. How could we use time to measure time? We are stuck in it, each of us time travels into the future, one year, every year. None of us to any significant precision does otherwise. If we could travel close to the speed of light, then we could travel further into the future in a given amount of time. It is one of those concepts that is profoundly resistant to a simple definition.

NOVA: Do you think that backwards time travel will ever be possible?

Sagan: Such questions are purely a matter of evidence, and if the evidence is inconsistent or insufficient, then we withhold judgment until there is better evidence. Right now we're in one of those classic, wonderfully evocative moments in science when we don't know, when there are those on both sides of the debate, and when what is at stake is very mystifying and very profound.

If we could travel into the past, it's mind-boggling what would be possible. For one thing, history would become an experimental science, which it certainly isn't today. The possible insights into our own past and nature and origins would be dazzling. For another, we would be facing the deep paradoxes of interfering with the scheme of causality that has led to our own time and ourselves. I have no idea whether it's possible, but it's certainly worth exploring.

NOVA: Would you like it to be possible?

Sagan: I have mixed feelings. The explorer and experimentalist in me would very much like it to be possible. But the idea that going into the past could wipe me out so that I would have never lived is somewhat disquieting.

NOVA: On that note, can you describe the "grandfather paradox?"

Sagan: The grandfather paradox is a very simple, science-fiction-based apparent inconsistency at the very heart of the idea of time travel into the past. It's very simply that you travel into the past and murder your own grandfather before he sires your mother or your father, and where does that then leave you? Do you instantly pop out of existence because you were never made? Or are you in a new causality scheme in which, since you are there you are there, and the events in the future leading to your adult life are now very different? The heart of the paradox is the apparent existence of you, the murderer of your own grandfather, when the very act of you murdering your own grandfather eliminates the possibility of you ever coming into existence.

Among the claimed solutions are that you can't murder your grandfather. You shoot him, but at the critical moment he bends over to tie his shoelace, or the gun jams, or somehow nature contrives to prevent the act that interrupts the causality scheme leading to your own existence.

NOVA: Do you find it easy to believe the world might work that way—that is, self-consistently—or do you think it's more likely that that there are parallel universes?

Sagan: It's still somewhat of a heretical ideal to suggest that every interference with an event in the past leads to a fork, a branch in causality. You have two equally valid universes: one, the one that we all know and love, and the other, which is brought about by the act of time travel. I know the idea of the universe having to work out a self-consistent causality is appealing to a great many physicists, but I don't find the argument for it so compelling. I think inconsistencies might very well be consistent with the universe.

NOVA: As a physicist, what do you make of Stephen Hawking's chronological protection conjecture [which holds that the laws of physics disallow time machines]?

Sagan: There have been some toy experiments in which, at just the moment that the time machine is actuated, the universe conspires to blow it up, which has led Hawking and others to conclude that nature will contrive it so that time travel never in fact occurs. But no one actually knows that this is the case, and it cannot be known until we have a full theory of quantum gravity, which we do not seem to be on the verge of yet.

One of Hawking's arguments in the conjecture is that we are not awash in thousands of time travelers from the future, and therefore time travel is impossible. This argument I find very dubious, and it reminds me very much of the argument that there cannot be intelligences elsewhere in space, because otherwise the Earth would be awash in aliens. I can think half a dozen ways in which we could not be awash in time travelers, and still time travel is possible.

NOVA: Such as?

Sagan: First of all, it might be that you can build a time machine to go into the future, but not into the past, and we don't know about it because we haven't yet invented that time machine. Secondly, it might be that time travel into the past is possible, but they haven't gotten to our time yet, they're very far in the future and the further back in time you go, the more expensive it is. Thirdly, maybe backward time travel is possible, but only up to the moment that time travel is invented. We haven't invented it yet, so they can't come to us. They can come to as far back as whatever it would be, say A.D. 2300, but not further back in time.

Then there's the possibility that they're here alright, but we don't see them. They have perfect invisibility cloaks or something. If they have such highly developed technology, then why not? Then there's the possibility that they're here and we do see them, but we call them something else—UFOs or ghosts or hobgoblins or fairies or something like that. Finally, there's the possibility that time travel is perfectly possible, but it requires a great advance in our technology, and human civilization will destroy itself before time travelers invent it.

I'm sure there are other possibilities as well, but if you just think of that range of possibilities, I don't think the fact that we're not obviously being visited by time travelers shows that time travel is impossible.

NOVA: How is the speed of light connected to time travel?

Sagan: A profound consequence of Einstein's special theory of relativity is that no material object can travel as fast as light. It is forbidden. There is a commandment: Thou shalt not travel at the speed of light, and there's nothing we can do to travel that fast.

The reason this is connected with time travel is because another consequence of special relativity is that time, as measured by the speeding space traveler, slows down compared to time as measured by a friend left home on Earth. This is sometimes described as the "twin paradox": two identical twins, one of whom goes off on a voyage close to the speed of light, and the other one stays home. When the space-traveling twin returns home, he or she has aged only a little, while the twin who has remained at home has aged at the regular pace. So we have two identical twins who may be decades apart in age. Or maybe the traveling twin returns in the far future, if you go close enough to the speed of light, and everybody he knows, everybody he ever heard of has died, and it's a very different civilization.

It's an intriguing idea, and it underscores the fact that time travel into the indefinite future is consistent with the laws of nature. It's only travel backwards in time that is the source of the debate and the tingling sensations that physicists and science-fiction readers delight in.

NOVA: In your novel Contact, your main character Eleanor Arroway travels through a wormhole. Can you describe a wormhole?

Sagan: Let's imagine that we live in a two-dimensional space. We wish to go from spot A to spot B. But A and B are so far apart that at the speed of light it would take much longer than a generational time or two to get there as measured back on world A. Instead, you have a kind of tunnel that goes through an otherwise inaccessible third dimension and connects A and B. You can go much faster through the tunnel, and so you get from A to B without covering the intervening space, which is somewhat mind-boggling but consistent with the laws of nature. And [the theoretical physicist] Kip Thorne found that if we imagine an indefinitely advanced technical civilization, such a wormhole is consistent with the laws of physics.

It's very different from saying that we ourselves could construct such a wormhole. One of the basic ideas of how to do it is that there are fantastically minute wormholes that are forming and decaying all the time at the quantum level, and the idea is to grab one of those and keep it permanently open. Our high-energy particle accelerators don't have enough energy to even detect the phenomenon at that scale, much less do anything like holding a wormhole open. But it did seem in principle possible, so I reconfigured the book so that Eleanor Arroway successfully makes it through the center of the galaxy via a wormhole.

NOVA: What do you think it would be like to travel through a wormhole?

Sagan: Nobody really knows, but what Thorne has taught me is that say, for example, you were going through a wormhole from point A to point B. Suppose point B was in orbit around some bright star. The moment you were in the wormhole, near your point of origin A, you would see that star. And it would be very bright; it wouldn't be a tiny point in the distance. On the other hand, if you look sideways, you would not see out of the wormhole, you would be in that fourth physical dimension. What the walls of the wormhole would be is deeply mysterious. And the possibility was also raised that if you looked backwards in the wormhole you would see the very place on world A that you had left. And that would be true even as you emerged out of the wormhole near the star B. You would see in space a kind of black sphere, in which would be an image of the place you had left on Earth, just floating in the blackness of space. Very Alice in Wonderland.

NOVA: Your inquiries about space travel for Contact sparked a whole new direction in research on time travel. How does that make you feel?

Sagan: I find it marvellous, I mean literally marvellous, full of marvel, that this innocent inquiry in the context of writing a science-fiction novel has sparked a whole field of physics and dozens of scientific papers by some of the best physicists in the world. I'm so pleased to have played this catalytic role not just in fast spaceflight but in the idea of time travel.

NOVA: How do you feel being responsible for bringing time travel perhaps a step closer?

Sagan: I don't know that I've brought time travel a step closer. If anyone has it's Kip Thorne. But maybe the joint effort of all those involved in this debate has at least increased the respectability of serious consideration of the possibility of time travel. As a youngster who was fascinated by the possibility of time travel in the science-fiction novels of H.G. Wells, Robert Heinlein, and others, to be in any way involved in the possible actualization of time travel—well, it just brings goose bumps. Of course we're not really at that stage; we don't know that time travel is even possible, and if it is, we certainly haven't developed the time machine. But it's a stunning fact that we have now reached a stage in our understanding of nature where this is even a bare possibility.

There you have it then......anyway, if your interested try visiting Nova to find out more.....

Friday, July 14, 2006

Thursday, July 13, 2006

World Cup diary from Theo Walcott

What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq

I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown
up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to
live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does
live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it
will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles
and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's
a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly
too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and
wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does
Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle
Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks
like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses
and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me
some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we
beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time

While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with
Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got
herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any
and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play
with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of
her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he
bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on

All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays
with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy,
that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden,
Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk
to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle

Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last
night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a
plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books,
he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better
so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not
like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while
we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood
on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all
saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had
to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his

I think


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

ban the blacked out cars

Speeders pulled over

“We were very keen on pulling people over and handing them tickets since that proved more effective as a deterrent because it gets the drivers’ attention right away,”

Police pulled over 1,257 drivers on highways last month in a bid to crack down on speeding.

The trouble is, how many blacked out 4x4's were pulled over?

My guess? out of 1,257.......ZERO, NIL, ZILCH....

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Accidental Accident Reports

These quotes are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

you can hear the judge saying it........


"Not another one," exclaimed judge Mahmoud Al Sharshabi when he called on an American suspect, identified as L.P., in his mid 20s.

The suspect is being tried for drug-related charges.

Dubai Public Prosecution charged L.P. with possessing and consuming cocaine. The defendant confessed to the charges. The Dubai Court of First Instance adjourned till next week.

The world waits for the verdict - don't hold your breath.......

Mean while, back to the world of dreams.......

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Everybody must get stoned?

Dubai ruler pardons Grammy-winning producer

You take Sally and I'll take Sue
Their ain't no difference between the two
Cocaine, running all 'round my brain

Headin' down Scott, turnin' up Main
Looking for that girl that sells cocaine
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

Late last night about a quarter past four
Ladanyi come knockin' down my hotel room door
Where's the cocaine--
It's runnin' all 'round my brain

I was talking to my doctor down at the hospital
He said, "Son, it says here you're twenty-seven,
But that's impossible
Cocaine-- you look like you could be forty-five"

Now I'm losing touch with reality and I'm almost out of blow
It's such a fine line-- I hate to see it go
Cocaine, runnin' all 'round my brain

(c) Jackson Brown

Published with thanks and respect to Jackson and the authorities in the UAE with appologies to "Doug", who is being held in a Dubai jail "pending trial" for a similar, if lesser "offence"

Monday, July 03, 2006

bud bud bud bud make mine a bud

Came accross this gem today:

Check out "THE SINGSONS"

It is quality from the entertaining people at BADMASH; check them out.

More on our very own HOT TOPIC; I present:

Very Politically Incorrect Humour......Now you have been warned; if this type of things offends then go play somewhere else ok.

A selection of politically incorrect one liners

What's red and hangs from a tree ?
A sanitary owl

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.

Why are women and condoms so similar?
Because they're either on your dick or in your wallet.

What do Americans use as contraception?
Their personalities.

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

How can you tell when you've passed an Elephant?
You can't close the loo seat

Q: What do you call a pissed Arab?

*There was another "Arab" joke here; but I am afraid to post it folks! which is very sad as I should not be afraid to post anything, BUT, I am living in the UAE and don't want to be stoned, well when I say stoned I mean......oh you know what I mean, back to the "jokes".........

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don't get mistaken for feminists

How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Q: What's brown and taps at the window
A: A poo on stilts!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

racist? moi?

Now to prove we are free of racism, the following jokes do not include any racial minorities, jews, martians or other whiny multiculturalists. Underground is not responsible for anything in this post, none of it is original!
These jokes should be considered clean and in good taste, we hope. If you are offended, grow up and take it like a man, or go watch Sesame Street.......

You must use the appropriate accent for added effect.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Iff it was a Gerrrman light bulb it vouldd nott neeeed to be replassst.

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Heeey bebe, if the lights are out, wee do not want dem them on anyway, eeeeh.(wink, wink)

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
51. One to hold, and fifty to turn the house.

How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, who can affford a light bulb?

How many gay white guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5. One to screw it in, and four to say, "Ohhh fabulouth, ohhh thimply fabulouth."

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Are light bulbs a federal issue? Or provincial? We should set up a Royal Commission. Would it offend anyone if we take a position? Have there been any Human Rights Commission rulings on this issue? These are white light bulbs. Shouldn’t there be some blue ones and brown ones to show our support for our multicultural heritage? Have any rabbits been subject to testing from these light bulbs? We should talk to our lawyer first.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. but the half time show is something else !!!

over to you people; I am sure you have some additions to list little list for us?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

don't mention the war........

Rather than using the age-old technique of talking a bit louder, learn a bit of da lingo......

Big up to

Officer, would you mind taking your arm from around my neck as I am having some trouble catching my breath...
Lass los, du idiot.

Can I have four large jugs of your strongest beer over here please, landlord. And a glass of white wine for the lovely lady...
Vier Bier hier bitte, und eine Liebfrauenmilch für die liebe Frau.

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Ficky, Ficky? (Remember the message is the main thing.)

Hey Mr DJ, is there any chance you could play something other than David Hasselhoff?
Hey Herr DJ, ich hasse Hasselhoff. Spiel was andres.

That's not a Nazi salute...I was just stretching
Das war kein Nazi-Gruß...Ich habe die Arme nur gestreckt.

Excuse me, can you help me with a quiz question: Who scored England's final goal in their 5-1 demolition of Germany in 2001?
Entschuldigung, können Sie mir helfen bei einer Quiz - Frage: Wer hat das letzte Tor geschossen, als England 2001 Deutschland mit 5 :1 demolierte?

Here's a Euro - give your mum a ring and tell her you've pulled
Hier ist ein Euro. Ruf Deine Mutter an und sag ihr, dass Du jemanden aufgerissen hast.

Have you got anything that doesn't come with cabbage? It gives me awful wind and I'm hoping to meet a young lady later and get a little jiggy with it.
Haben Sie irgendwas ohne Kohl? Davon kriege ich saumäßige Blähungen und ich möchte eine junge Dame treffen und wir wollen, Jiggy' damit.

Useful words to know...

1. Bra = Bustenhalter (literally is a bust holder, we just love this word).

2. Testicles = Eier (meaning eggs. As in 'someone has just kicked Paul in the eggs, poor fellow. That must smart').

3. Blouse = Blau (meaning blue, but more importantly 'pissed' as in under the influence of excessive amounts of Alt. (See 4))

4. Old = Alt (but more importantly a tasty German brew with about 4.8% of alcohol. If everybody drinks enough of this stuff, communication between nationalities can get better. N.B: It can also get worse.