Wednesday, August 30, 2006
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006
It is 2050 and call centres are opening all Over the West, as the new economic power India Out-sources work to the countries where many jobs Originated. Millions of Americans, still struggling to Adapt to a global economy, are willing to accept jobs That pay them in a new currency sweeping much of the World: Rupees. Some of them, eager to land one of the Customer service jobs from India, are attending Special training sessions in New York City, led by Language specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes by a simpler Name for his Indian clients: Devendra Ramaswaminathan ...
On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching Three ambitious students how to communicate with Indian customers.
Professor: " Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need To give you Indian names. Gary, from now on, you'll be Known to your customers as Gaurav. Randy, you'll be Ranjit. And Jane, you'll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you Just received a call from Delhi. What do you say?"
Gary : " Name-as-tea ?"
Professor: " I think you mean 'Namaste.' Very good. But What do you say after that?"
Gary : " How can I help you?"
Professor: " You're on the right track. Anyone else?"
Jane: " How can I be helping you?"
Professor: " Good try! You're using the correct tense, But it's not quite right. Anyone else?"
Randy: " How I can be helping you ?"
Professor: " Wonderful! Word order is very important.
Okay, let's try some small talk. Give me a comment That would help you make a connection with your Indian Customers ."
Randy: " It's really hot, isn't it?"
Professor: " The heat is always a good topic, but you Haven't phrased it correctly. Try again."
Randy: " It's deadly hot, isn't it?"
Professor: " That's better. But your tag question can Be greatly improved."
Randy: " It's deadly hot, no?"
Professor: " Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of Almost any statement. You are understanding me, no?"
Jane: " Yes, we are understanding you, no?"
Professor (smiles): " We may need to review this later.
But let's move on to other things. Have you ever heard Indians use the word 'yaar'?"
Randy: " Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time.
Just last night, one of them said to me, 'Randy, give Me yaar password. I am needing it to fix yaar Computer."
Professor (laughs): " That's a different 'yaar,' yaar.
The 'yaar' that I'm talking about means friend or Buddy. You can use it if you've developed a rapport With a customer. For example, you can say, 'Come on, Yaar. I am offering you the best deal.' Do you Understand, Jagadamba?"
Jane: " Yaar, I do."
Professor (smiles): " Okay, let's talk about accents.
If your client says 'I yam wery vorried about vat I Bought for my vife,' how would you respond?"
Randy: " Please don't be vorrying, yaar. She vill be Wery happy and vill give you a vild time tonight."
Professor: " Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a Bright future, Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But Gaurav, you haven't said anything in a while. Do you Have any questions about what we've just learned ?"
Gary : " Yes, Professor, I do have one question:
Wouldn't it be simpler to learn Hindi?"
Friday, August 18, 2006
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
Don’t take life seriously; you’ll never get out alive
Caffeine: the universe revolves around it
Death is hereditary
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live
For every animal you don’t eat, I'm going to eat 3
If you find out the speed of dark, you know you’ve done well
If only there was a reset button on life...
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Being found "Innocent" or "Guilty" in the Dubai Courts does not depend on PROOF OF EVIDENCE.
It is totally down to the presiding judge.
He reads statements from both parties, hears any arguments from any "legal representation" and then makes up his mind WHO HE BELIEVES.
Evidence has little to do with these decisions in the court system in Dubai.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
(with thanks and credit to Dave Barry)
Friday, August 11, 2006
After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Middle East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.”
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the Middle East they must know how to cure it.
So he goes back and sees a doctor in out in the Middle East.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Cultural Differences ExplainedAussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
1 - He went into his father's business
2 - He lived at home until the age of 33
3 - He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother sure he was God
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Irish
1 - He never got married
2 - He never held a steady job
3 - His last request was a drink
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Italian
1 - He talked with his hands
2 - He had wine with every meal
3 - He worked in the building trades
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Black
1 - He called everybody brother
2 - He held no permanent address
3 - Nobody would hire him
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Californian
1 - He never cut his hair
2 - He walked around barefoot
3 - He invented a new religion
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Puerto Rican
1 - His first name was Jesus
2 - He was always in trouble with the law
3 - His mother did not know who his father was
Over to you people....I just know what's coming.............
Monday, August 07, 2006
Or so says a recent survey by "Q" magazine.
I will admit to owning 12 of the tracks listed below! How about you.....?
Top 20 Guilty Pleasures
1 Livin' Thing - ELO
2 More Than A Feeling - Boston
3 Don't Stop Movin' - S Club 7
4 I'm Not In Love - 10CC
5 Rock'n'Roll Part 2 - Gary Glitter
6 Cold As Ice - Foreigner
7 Rebel Yell - Billy Idol
8 Whatever You Want - Status Quo
9 Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
10 I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
11 Since You've Been Gone - Rainbow
12 Centrefold - J Geils Band
13 Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
14 Never Ever - All Saints
15 Mr Boombastic - Shaggy
16 Owner Of A Lonely Heart - Yes
17 Manic Monday - Bangles
18 Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds
19 Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
20 Rock On - David Essex
Sunday, August 06, 2006
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."
(Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:
Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is
chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major
newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of
this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to
shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you,
some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He
is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You
suddenly realize who it is.
It's Cristiano Ronaldo.
At the same time you notice that the raging waters
are about to pull him under.
You have two options--you can save the life of
Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.
So here's the question, and please give an honest
Would you select high contrast colour film,
or would you go with
the classic simplicity of black and white?
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The following are this year's candidates:
1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
Thanks to eBaum's World for the above.