Thursday, March 30, 2006

Jail for ‘resting feet’

A man who went into a prostitute'’s apartment to "‘rest his feet"’ was sentenced to one month in jail followed by deportation for having sex with the woman. She got a year in jail for robbing him.

I just can not believe the Judge did not buy the "
They went to her apartment for a rest, where he said he was shocked when she took off her clothes and asked for sex." line......seems reasonable to me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Fever Pitch

Perhaps the best, no, the only response to a recent study that concluded if men showed as much commitment to their wives as they do their football teams then divorce rate would halve, is to point you in the direction of British film “FEVER PITCH”, written by Nick Hornby, which, pretty much addresses this very issue……

Fever Pitch was written, according to Hornby, not just for fully paid-up football fanatics, but also 'anyone who has wondered what it must be like to be this way'. And it does manage to be far more than just a football flick; rather it is about the nature of obsession (football just happens to be the one under the spotlight in this case), this inconvenience which the 35-year old Hornby admits to carrying everywhere with him still, and which he tends to bring into situations where it simply doesn't belong. He uses his feelings about the game to explore questions of masculinity, of identity, of growing up, and doesn't shy from looking (albeit with a wry humour rather than any real sense of regret) at the damage such an obsession can do.

View the trailer here

I leave you with the one quote from the film that stands out in context of the recent study mentioned earlier….

In attempting to plan a holiday……….

Sarah: What about………Saturday October the ninth. Lets go away somewhere.

Paul: I haven’t got next season’s fixture list yet.

Sarah: Because you know you’ll be seeing Arsenal next year don’t you? But you can’t say for sure you’ll be seeing me.

Your getting no further comment form me……

Monday, March 27, 2006

Norman Kember Peace Maker or Loon

Norman Kember issued a 285-word statement on landing at Heathrow on Saturday.

His words of thanks to the SAS soldiers who freed him were brief and muted.

Maybe Kember should go and learn some manners lest he ever need anyone to rescue him in the future.

Kember is a pacifist who left the UK for Baghdad to protest at the presence of troops there.

Message to Kember: you and your Bible were never going to succeed. You put not only your, but also other peoples lives in danger, praise that you got out alive and bless your lucky stars. Now don’t do it again.

I trust that the SAS are a tough enough bunch not to give a stuff.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


Some help perhaps.........


Bill from Bondi, Australia says, "When I'm out on the squirt I take the top from every beer I drink and put it in my pocket. When I get home I count the caps and that's how many glasses of water I gotta get through. Works even better when you're seeing double."


Our local doctor writes, "As a lay MD, I prescribe for you head-holding sorry lot, 500-1000 mgs aspirin, a rehydrating sports drink like Gatorade, and one 25 mg Dramamine (Dimenhydrinate) tablet which will drive vertigo, nausea, and Satan himself from yer Gulliver."


Crazy Monkey Man says: "My trick for not getting a hungover is to drink at least 5-6 full glasses of water when I’m at my most drunk, right before I pass out. This way I'm not dehydrated, and I enjoy seeing how many glasses of water I can drink in under 5 minutes."


"The best and greatest cure for that groggy nausea feeling is drinking ginger. It's been uses by boaties to cure sea sickness (hence nausea) for hundreds of years. If you buy seasick tablet they will be 100% ginger. Go down to the Vege shop and buy some ginger root. If you have a juice extractor crush up the ginger put in some Orange Juice and scull. It burns ya through but it works like a dream!"


Caset Rae reckons "the miracle cure is Excedrin Migraine. It’s got a little bit of caffeine, pain reliever and anti-nausea medicine. It'll have you feeling better in 30 min."


When nature fails you, there's always Simon's all pill remedy. "Bit of a mix but worth pre-preparing.

No 1: Headache pill. You're bound to need this otherwise you haven't got a real hangover. The absolute best by a country mile is Solpadine.

No 2: Alka Seltzer or Andrews Liver Salts to settle the stomach.

No 3: Dioralyte, a diarrhea cure. It contains salts to rapidly rehydrate the body.

No 4: Anything containing huge quantities of Vitamin B, like Berocca."


"Personally, whenever I go out on a bender I put together a Graciepoos' special hangover kit. First there's the vitamin B tabs washed down with Andrews Antacid saturated water. For those who are not fond of taking too many pills, a banana will suffice instead to take care of the mind-numbing headache. Finally, the thing without which the whole process would be a waste of time and effort. The wonder that is the toasted fried egg sandwich. Drinking lots of water during the proceedings goes without saying."


Ronan from Ireland says, "eat a banana as they contain potassium which is guaranteed to revitalize your body after a heavy session."


Reuben Slater wrote in and said, "Behold the 1, 2, 3 of hangover prevention & removal. 1. Zantac tablet before getting stuck in. 2. Aspro in Gatorade or similar sports drink before bed. 3. Eggs with bacon, tomato’s mushrooms and fried bread in the morning."

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Off to the Races

Going to meet up with the rest of Dubai today at Nad Al Sheeba.

Should be a good day.

This year I may even get to see one of these . . . . .

Friday, March 24, 2006

Hell Plates

If you missed this article, or even if you caught it the first time round, copy and paste this link for a refresher course on the standards of driving instructors here in Dubai:

"The level of teaching students receive is often farcical."

I was driving out of a gas station yesterday when a "driving instructor" (with no learner on board) started to speed up and flash his lights hell bent on not letting me join the traffic lane that was moving smoothly to my left. He was so incensed that I had pulled out in front of him that he pulled his car level with mine at the next set of lights and began "waving at me". He appeared to be from Oman. I informed him of what I thought of his driving standards and told him that I held the likes of him responsible for the many deaths on our roads. They are murderers. He then pulled in front of me, stepped on his breaks, proceeded to pull over to the side of the road, stopped his car, got out and beckoned for me to do the same. I had three other guys on board, I resisted the temptation to accept his offer. This was a driving instructor folks.

"What I found was shocking. The standard of the instructors ranged from bad to downright dangerous."

Rest In Peace Ben, we will miss yer mate.

"In my opinion, not a single one of the instructors that took me out would pass the basic driving test in Europe or America."

They are murderers.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

You don't know Jack Schitt

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Competition is Good

'Every country needs a second telecom's operator,' says Du CEO Osman Sultan.

In the pre-IPO phase 50% of ownership was in the hands of the UAE government, and the remaining 50% split equally between Abu Dhabi's Mubadala Development Company and Emirates Communications Technology Company. Post-IPO up to 20% of the company can be owned by foreign individuals and institutions that will be allowed to buy shares in the Dubai Financial Market.

Mr. Sultan is unable to comment on financial projections due to the start of the IPO process. However, he notes that with a paid-up capital of $1.1 billion Du has sufficient funding to roll out its networks and that the company will not receive any of the proceeds of the IPO which will go to the founder shareholders who are selling a 20% stake in the group to UAE nationals only.

Etisalat has over 3 million subscribers. At the end of January 2006, the company announced $1.17 billion in net profits for 2005, a 25% increase over the previous year. The UAE government owns 60% of Etisalat.

Monday, March 20, 2006


My attempts yesterday to appear as if I knew what I was doing on this blog thing ended in failure. I understand that people had trouble following the address I provided that was suppose to be a direct link to download the live action Simpsons opening sequence video.


Today here is the link to the site from which you can download this must see video. Copy and paste it.

I was trying to avoid providing the site’s address as I don’t recommend unsupervised viewing of the rest of the site, you have been warned, the humour is somewhat of an adult nature….

Enjoy the video, and if any one can tell me how to insert a video or a “click able” link on my blog I would be very grateful………..

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Simpsons Exclusive!

Oh how I love getting an exclusive, (well it was an exclusive from the site that I found these on) but THIS ladies and gentlemen, is a thing of beauty and must be shared.....

Behold, borrowed from Sky One in the UK, the forthcoming trailer for 'The Simpsons' which is basically the opening sequence performed by real-life actors.

Cost a fortune apparently. If you like the Simpsons, this is the equivalent of a million duff beers appearing in your fridge as if by magic.

Download the clip below

Saturday, March 18, 2006

The Good Wife's Guide

From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955.

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

* During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

* Be happy to see him.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

* Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

* Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

* A good wife always knows her place.

Have times changed folks? Answers on a postcard please.......

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Top 5 UK Viral E-Mails (for this week, more next week if your lucky!)

Complaints Department

Had some business up at Etisalat this week.

Simply a matter of changing the names registered on a Wasel SIM card.

My boss man had earlier attended the phone companies office on his previous visit to Dubai to be told that he needed a passport copy and signature of the registered "owner" of the company SIM card. Not unreasonable at all but it did mean waiting until he returned to the UK to get the documents signed.

A month or so later he returned to Dubai and we visited the same counter, seeing the same person with the required passport and signature.

On inspection however the signatures on a 6 year old passport and the recently signed Etisalat document differed just ever so slightly.

Cue the supervisor, a guy in dish dash and super cool shades, who looked at the signatures. His comment: "no, woman's name, can't transfer to man, got to be careful with woman"
Not a bad policy if the truth be known had we not had the name, passport copy, letter of authorisation, signatures and all of the required paperwork to autorise this change of name on their system. We were just trying to keep their records up to date. Won't bother next time.

We did consider the "Complaints Department" but decided against it........

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

DPW The Final Word......

I quote from a New Yorkers Diary:

"Dubai - A friend and I once invented a game to keep us entertained at media events. We called it Dubai Bingo. Certain words and phrases crop up with such frequency in Dubai conversation that you could mark them off on a little card: Traffic, construction, heat, superficial, rent, Used to be just sand and This is not the Middle East."

This article deserves promotion, so visit the site on:

and you miss the UK....

18 years to clear asylum backlog in UK.

"A report from an influential parliamentary committee has warned it could take 18 years to clear the backlog of failed asylum seekers."

18 YEARS! What can possibly take 18 years to administer.

Dad of 14 sick of Britain.,,2-2006120261,00.html

"GRASPING dad Mick Philpott yesterday demanded a bigger council house for him, his 14 kids, his wife — and his mistress.

And when he was turned down, he had the nerve to blame the state of the nation."

Try and make that lifestyle work out here mate!

Least it looks like you can still get a decent hair cut over there tho....

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

blog explosion

You spend all night setting up your very own blog, but in short time you realize nobody is coming to read it. Furthermore now that you have a blog what do you do next?

Copy and paste the link below to increase traffic and view other thought provoking and entertaining sites....

Razor Blades and Mirrors on the Streets?

Saxon ban is petty: who's next on the list?

I was going to comment on the recent ban of the rock band Saxon from our shores, but two letters that appeared in 7days today hits the nail on the head so I make no apology from publishing again here with credit to the authors:

“So Saxon are barred from Desert Rock on the grounds that in 1984 they wrote a song about the Crusades. Better ban all books by Chaucer and Shakespeare as well then as they also wrote about the Crusades.”
D A J, Dubai

“In 1984, Saxon wrote a song about the Crusades – historical events that took place between 700 and 900 years ago. In 2006, and as a result of hate mongering by elements of the local press, they are banned from Dubai because of this song.
I had truly believed that Dubai was above this sort of pettiness and am deeply saddened to find that this is not the case. Decisions like this open Dubai to global ridicule - and deservedly so.

Do you think Saxon will now be banned from the USA because of their song ‘Dallas 1 p.m.’ about the Kennedy assassination? No, neither do I. Just reflect on what that tells us.”
David Edwards, Dubai

Other interesting comments highlight a certain Mr. Robbie Williams song lyrics.

That’s the problem with censorship you see, where does it begin and just where exactly does it end.

25, 000 tickets and a £1 million pound investment should ensure that we are able to listen to songs about “selling razor blades and mirrors on the street” without too much of a fuss me thinks.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Definition of Nightmare

Man dates mum on net...

A man was horrified when he discovered the woman he was flirting with on the Internet was his mum. Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with the mystery woman online and admits the conversations got a bit "racy" at times.

The cyberspace lovers didn't realise they were mother and son until they arranged to meet on the beach one night.

Daniel said: "I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams. But when I got close... we both got the shock of our lives... All I could think was, Oh my God! It's Mama!"

"Racy at times"......the very definition of a bloody nightmare me thinks!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Robbie Williams The Midas Touch

Quote from concert organisers "Midas Promotions" regarding the fact that thousands of tickets for the Robbie Williams concert in Dubai have turned up on both global and local auction internet sites at vastly inflated prices:

"the issue is essentially out of our control"

This said by the management company that did not instruct retailers to limit the amount of tickets sold per person.

Fact One: This concert is costing Midas circa £1 million to stage.

Fact Two: Legitimate ticket sales will bring in around £1 million.

Fact Three: Business is all about CASH FLOW. If you can guarantee

bringing in £1 million into your business within 24 hours

would it not seem attractive?

In fact, the need to generate the cash (fast) might (just possibly) be a must in order to honor commitments made when securing the contract.

Midas knew that tickets would fly off the shelves; after all, they fought tooth and nail to win the rights to stage this concert. They are not staging this event for fun.

As promoters, Midas could have sold the tickets over two or three days to ensure fair distribution and limit those available on the black market.
This however would have affected the companies’ immediate cash flow.

Midas could not care less about the inflated prices; in fact, it's all good publicity for the concert.

Don’t blame the opportunists for making a quick buck, if you feel that strongly about it just DONT BUY INFLATED PRICE TICKETS.

If we all refused to pay over the odds then prices would come down.

Tell people not to buy these black market tickets; when the day of the concert comes around, you may well find tickets available at a discounted price.

One last thing, there are very few promoters in the world that do not hold back significant number of tickets to sell themselves at inflated prices. It’s a dirty business folks.

Enjoy the gig.

Saturday, March 11, 2006


It's a shame that Dubai Ports World were forced to give up the American Ports to push through the recent take over of P&O.

I will however draw attention to an article recently posted from "The Nation" ( as reprinted here on 7th of March:

"It is hard to imagine why on earth Dubai would want to manage six major American ports where less than 5 percent of cargo is inspected currently. What if, God forbid, terrorists, completely unconnected to Dubai, slipped a weapon of mass destruction through one of the ports Dubai manages? Has the emir of Dubai forgotten what happened to Saddam, who had no connection to 9/11?"

Perhaps it makes sense after all.

Raise a glass to the "land of the free" this afternoon as we contemplate just were international free trade goes from here..........

Thursday, March 09, 2006

the touts have it off

"A manager at Virgin admitted that the scale of queues had never before been witnessed in Dubai and that they restricted sales to six tickets per person to curb the risk of touting."

ummmm, 6 tickets per person! check out the unavailable "sold out" tickets on ebay this morning.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

wisdom from the UAE

I was going to post an article about the fact that a recent opinion poll discovered that most Americans know more about The Simpsons TV show than the US Constitution's First Amendment.

Only one in four could name more than one of the five freedoms it upholds but more than half could name at least two members of the cartoon family.

Then we get a quote from Sheikh Ahmad Al Kubaisi ..........."If every woman hit by her husband is encouraged to rebel, the sanctity of marriage would disappear from society."

Big up to Sharla Musabih, see:

Keep the faith and don't let the bastards grind you down.

And I thought our American friends were the uneducated ones.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Port and Lemon

Latest comment on our fair city is this offering from the good ole U S of A; with various links (omitted) to

I publish here unedited:

"Defenders of the Dubai ports deal argue that rejecting it would be an insult to the Arab world. But if you look at it from a different angle, maybe we'd actually be doing our new found friends in the United Arab Emirates a favor.

It is hard to imagine why on earth Dubai would want to manage six major American ports where less than 5 percent of cargo is inspected currently. What if, God forbid, terrorists, completely unconnected to Dubai, slipped a weapon of mass destruction through one of the ports Dubai manages? Has the emir of Dubai forgotten what happened to Saddam, who had no connection to 9/11?

If our ally of all of four years really wants to involve itself in America's economy, maybe the U.A.E. should bid on a job equally vital but less of a security risk, like managing the reconstruction of New Orleans. It's clear the Bush administration isn't. They haven't even found a replacement for ex-FEMA head Michael Brown, whose rehabilitation in the media last week was one for the ages. No, the Bush administration is too busy doing damage control on the video showing that despite Bush's mendacious assurances to the contrary, his administration did indeed anticipate a possible "breach" of the levees. Wait, I'm sorry, they only anticipated the levees being "topped."

A distinction without a difference is the White House's current defense. Talk about another moment for the Dictionary of Republicanisms.”

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Old Chinese Proverbs

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned.

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.

Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

always look on the bright side

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the light side of life.

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life,

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.

Always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

behind blue eyes....

“But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be”

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Bar Dubai

It’s only rock ‘n’ roll but we liked it…….

Following the demise of “The Usual Suspects” and subsequent replacements from “Dubai’s only speakeasy”, just where can Dubai’s party people go for good night of old fashion, kick arse, live rock ‘n’ roll music? Back to the place where, in Dubai, it all started I guess, that den of inequity that is Rock Bottom Café. The café bit has always puzzled me although it does serve excellent cheap steaks early doors.

But what is going on with Dubai’s celebrated nightlife?

In Jimmy Dix and Rock Bottom you had the only two bars in Dubai that had “European” style live bands entertaining the masses. Now that Jimmy Dix has decided that the masses will descend on them whether they invest in quality entertainment or not, it leaves us with just the Café then?

It’s all well and good listening to the talented Philippine bands out there, but just how many high-pitched renditions of Hotel California or Bohemian Rhapsody can we stand in one night out?

The other option for the big night out are of course the clubs, the swanky, trendy, overpriced and dare I say it, somewhat racist venues that have marketed themselves as the place for “the beautiful people”.

A quote from sums up the majority of these venues and their “entertainment” offering:

“Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and vanity. Over-priced drinks, men with bad attitudes and stuck up punters.”

It is an embarrassment, but this comment could justifiably be targeted at any club in Dubai, which is a great shame as the nightlife in Dubai has always, been one of the things that we do, “write home about”. That and the weather…

So what has happened over the last couple of years?

Pretty much the same thing that has happened across all aspects of our lives here in Dubai. People have gotten greedy.

How much do you think it costs to have a 6 piece professional band from the UK play your venue against a 12 strong South East Asian offering? Bigger is not always better folks.

The clubs could improve by recruiting professional dj’s that can not only mix, but also mix up the music offering occasionally. Dubai seems to be a training ground for young inexperienced dj’s, again, this is purely down to cost and the venue not willing to invest in talent.

OK, so the bars and clubs are still packing them in you say? If only this were the case.

The dj from Jimmy Dix, now without the support of the live band, has seen numbers plummet over that last couple of weeks. “People just don’t seem to go out so much these days” he is quoted as saying.

This surely should not be the case. Dubai is growing and growing, the number of bars and clubs grows weekly; if there were no demand, there would be no supply.

It’s all well and good Dubai seeing the top name acts arrive on these fair shores, (we all look forward to Robbie Williams) but it’s the grass roots entertainment that need surgery.

The current offering, apart from a few “top name” dj’s, kudos Peppermint, Deep et al, are as follows:

Professional Bands from the UK: one?

Russian “acts”: dozens and all the bloody same.

Bands from South East Asia: as above.

Schoolboy wannabe dj’s attempting to “mix”: everywhere.

The Dubai nightlife entertainment scene needs investment and variety, and soon.

To expect the punters just to turn up whatever the entertainment offering is naive in the extreme.