Sunday, April 30, 2006

and did those feet..............

To educate our friends in this multi cultural society I post a little insight into life on the green and pleasant island that we call Great Britain….

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for

a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch

American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and......

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the

way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while

healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large

fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the

pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on

the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls

and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we

didn't want to talk to in the first place.


3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of


31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while

the fairy lights were plugged in.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a

lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years

after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

it only ever happens on the silver screen

30 Things that only happen in the movies......

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

10. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

12. On a police stakeout, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .

13. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

14. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

15. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

16. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

17. All single women have a cat.

18. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

19. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

20. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

21. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

22. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

23. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

24. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

25. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).

26. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

27. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

28. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

29. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

30. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

With thanks to Nostalgia Central, whoever they are……

Thursday, April 27, 2006

UAE Justice and Fair Sentencing and Treatment – lucky lucky bastards

Life for drug dealer
Thursday, 27th April, 2006
A woman who was caught trying to sell four kilos of heroin – with her young daughter in the car – will spend the rest of her life behind bars.

Killer jailed
Thursday, 27th April, 2006
A man was sentenced to seven years in jail for murdering a friend while he slept in a dispute over money.

Suicide appeal
Thursday, 27th April, 2006 |
A prisoner began his appeal yesterday after being fined dhs1,000 for trying to commit suicide while in custody. The man allegedly tried to hang himself with a piece of cloth in January after being locked up for bouncing a cheque.

Quote of The Week

"The presence of women and families in public places promotes chastity"

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad explains why he is lifted a ban on women attending football matches for the first time since the 1979 Islamic revolution.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

How to make a woman happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

How to make a man happy:
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Peter Kay Theories

Found these gems that I just had to share with you good people from around the world, hope you enjoy.


1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for
a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I
can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my
step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds
of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said -
'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and
it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why
are they made out of meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

and finally, for now anyway.....

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

More wisdom from the great man next week........

Monday, April 24, 2006

I am good to you guys........

What women say and what they MEAN

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Sunday, April 23, 2006

stand up if your all growed up?

All Growed Up

You know when you are "all growed up" when...

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of holiday time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up,"

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time kebab shop closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

9. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff,"

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again,"

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

oh dear, I hear you say, when did that happen....?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear"the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something,
or tell us how you want it done,
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like northing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, football, or football.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My Top 5 Records of All Time

Top 5.....? Very hard this was too but I got it down to these musical gems, so for an insight of sorts into my life and mind read on people.....

The last official Doors studio album, L.A. Woman was still high on the charts when, like the "actor out on loan" of its closing track, "Riders on the Storm," Jim Morrison died in a Paris bathtub in the summer of 1971. Via such tracks as "The Changeling," "Crawling King Snake," and the frothy, rollicking title track, the collection leaned heavily toward the blues--in particular, Morrison's boastful "Lizard King" brand of it. It also holds another entry in the band's ever-adventurous tone poems in the ever-underrated mythical tale of American music and culture, "WASP (Texas Radio and the Big Beat)."

A blend of dramatic strings, swaggering saxophones, jagged guitars, and theatrical arrangements, the album's darker rock numbers like "It Ain't Easy," "Moonage Daydream," "Ziggy Stardust," and the irresistible "Suffragette City," still serve as solid excursions into the future (then and now) of rock. The buoyant "Hang on to Yourself" and the dreamy "Star" offer hints of optimism in Ziggy's bleak world. The dramatic "Rock 'n' Roll Suicide" and the image-heavy "Star Man" ("he'd like to come and meet us but thinks he'd blow our minds!") no doubt provided plenty of stage-worthy moments when Ziggy toured in the '70s, but years later they still thrill. Bowie blew our minds!

Few albums are as fueled by hope, possibility, and the lure of the open road as Born to Run, a virtual concept album about small-town Jerseyites in search of a better life via hot-rodding out on the turnpike, scoring some small-time hustle, or blowing out of town altogether, either across the river to New York City or west for parts unknown. Songs like "Jungleland," "Thunder Road," "Backstreets," and the title track are epic productions, both sonically and lyrically. When Born to Run was released in 1975, it earned then-unknown Springsteen the rare honor of simultaneous covers on both Time and Newsweek. The attention was warranted then, and it still is now.

If you only ever buy one Bob Dylan album, this should be the one.
"Bringing It All Back Home" is not a better record than "Blood On The Tracks", but it is the one where everything comes together for Bob Dylan, creating an incredible blend of folk, blues, and blistering rock n' roll, and it is the one which best represents the depth and versatility of his talent.

Several of the very best songs in Dylan's catalogue are from "Bringing It All Back Home", including the acoustic numbers "Mr Tambourine Man", "Love Minus Zero/No Limit" and "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue", and the gritty hard rock of "Subterranean Homesick Blues" and "Maggie's Farm".
"Bringing It All Back Home" is one of a handful of truly remarkable rock records.

Known as the "rune" album, Led Zep IV or Zoso because of the medieval symbols adorning the inner sleeve, Led Zeppelin's fourth album, released in 1971, turned them from mere superstars into giant behemoths of the rock world. On tracks like "Black Dog," "Misty Mountain Hop," and "Rock and Roll," the combination of Robert Plant's banshee wails and Jimmy Page's frenetic guitar playing forever altered the stylistic bent of hard rock music. And the foreboding "When the Levee Breaks" demonstrated that Zeppelin could indeed play the blues fairly straight if they so desired. Still, everything here ultimately took a back seat to the album's (and, ultimately, the band's) magnum opus--the expertly constructed and deftly executed classic, "Stairway to Heaven."

Well, there you have it, my all time top 5 albums of all time. I suppose it has not changed much over the years. I guess it never will, which in a way is both comforting and sad.

Anyway, enough already, check out these LP covers that qualify for the 10 worst album covers of all time. Quality.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Lucky lucky lucky luuuuuurrrrrrrrcccccc it's top 5 e mail time again

17 reasons why alcohol should be served at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your co-workers naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

17. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Monday, April 17, 2006

Truth or Fiction?

OK people, for those of you who spent a moment or two contemplating our little Einstein's Riddle, you can find the answer right here. Hope that kept some of you amused for a while.....

Looking across many blogs and Internet sites, it becomes apparent that rumors, conspiracy theories and urban legends seem to provide a great source of entertainment.

The following article and web site makes for interesting reading.

“Most of us don't intend to spread a rumor, hoax, or urban legend. We intend to spread the truth.

It's fascinating, however, that in our desire to spread what we think is the truth, certain kinds of stories emerge that are repeated from person to person, year to year, century to century, and place to place. They have popularity and staying power. Yet many of them are not true.

And out of the vast amount of information available to us through radio, Television, the Internet, newspapers, books, and magazines, only a select number of stories qualify as the kind that will be forwarded from person to person. There are thousands of new and clearly true stories everyday that never end up in our email boxes. Why?

Let's explore some of the characteristics of rumors, hoaxes, and urban legends and what we can learn from them:

Because so many of them are quickly and easily spread via email, we have coined the phrase "eRumor" to identify them.”

Check out the website on Truth or for all the answers but please, never believe EVERYTHING you read......!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Einstein's Riddle



There are no tricks, just pure logic, so good luck and don't give up.

1. In a street there are five houses, painted five different colours.

2. In each house lives a person of different nationality

3. These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.



1. The Brit lives in a red house.

2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.

3. The Dane drinks tea.

4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.

5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.

6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.

7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.

8. The man living in the centre house drinks milk.

9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.

10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.

11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.

12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.

13. The German smokes Prince.

14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.

15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbour who drinks water.


Post your answers people…………………….I will post the answer from Albert himself here sometime tomorrow.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Dubai Model

I am fed up today.

Fed up with people reminding me that “you live in an Islamic country you know….” And using it as a “get out of jail free card” when ever some thing occurs in this fair city that they disagree with. I know where I live and I am more then aware of this countries culture, values and priorities.

I heard a song on the radio this morning:

“She's a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America too
She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too”

You are living in as Islamic country you know.

Had a good Good Friday though. All you can eat and drink for the equivalent of GBP14.
The bar was packed, heaving with people of all nationalities binge drinking big style. You should have scene it just before the “free bar” closed. Quality.

You are living in as Islamic country you know.

Every Tuesday night in Dubai the fairer sex are plied with free drinks. Every entertainment venue of note offers free booze to entice both girls and boys out to play.

You are living in as Islamic country you know.

Got my tickets to “the original sin” today. “Chicago” plays the Madinat Arena next month. It’s billed as “sexy, sassy, seductive, sensual, sinuous, slinky, sophisticated and sultry”. Can’t wait.

Yes, yes, I know.

Was showing a family around Dubai last week, they were staying in the Golden Sands area of Bur Dubai. Just how many embarrassing questions did I have to answer about the extra friendly female streetwalkers? The one question that stuck out contained the statement “but I thought that this was an Islamic country”

Here’s a good article that I thought you would enjoy reading. It's entitled "The Model Dubai?"

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Men Commandments

Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.

Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.

39.) All Men are required to be able to operate a vehicle with a manual transmission.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Gotta Learn Da' Lingo

Here's a nice link to another blog that contains some excellent photo's of Dubai.

n305er Industries
"It is just another blog" is an entertaining mix.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Monday, April 10, 2006

4x4 Owners of Dubay We Gonna Sticker Yers! Oh yes we are!

Oh yes, they really are available direct from the supplier, at

Now go forth into those mall car parks and sticker the bastards.

Now check out this site if you dare The Death Clock

The Death Clock - When Will You Die? All you have to do is complete a few simple lifestyle questions and TDC will give you a reading! Go on, you know it makes sense!

More tomorrow, all being well that is . . . . . .

You Have Been Warned

Couldn't resist these pictures this week, not the "official" top 5 "viral's", but my faves.....and they do came with a warning; adults only please! yea likes that's gonna stop anyone.

Also, please April the 1st; April FOOLS day. The clue is in the title. Bring back CF.

Quote of the day after 20,000 cricket "fans" rioted after the abandonment of the 5th one day international between India and England:

"They haven't had any cricket for years so you can understand how they feel" Umpire Rudi Koertzen.

Bricks, tear gas, battles with police, "no cricket for years" poor sods.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Don't Panic

Not so long ago I posted some graphics from

If you have read the Department of Homeland Security's website advising Americans on how to stay safe in these dangerous times, you know that it is hard to believe that is not a parody.

Numerous parody sites do exist, mocking

The best has to be the website of the Department of Homeland Panic at

Check it out and be scared! Be very scared!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese (respect)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2009.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

URE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

It's The Simpsomaker..........!

This folks is serious:

Fun, Fun, Fun, till her Daddy takes the t-bird away.

There are entertaining games, video's and pix on the same site, over the next few weeks I hope to bring you some of the best so you lucky, lucky people don't have to spend time looking through the dross.

Surprise verdict on the Oasis fire then.............poor sods. The words "goat" and "scape" spring to mind.....

And I just can't bring myself to comment on the story from an Indian textbook proclaiming that a Donkey is "less trouble than a wife", quality though the story is. No comment, I said "no comment".

you lucky, lucky, people, it's the top 5 e-mail bit again.....

and a bonus for sticking with us......this is a clip from a US Shopping Channel, and it's well worth a click........enjoy!

Monday, April 03, 2006

James Zogby: An Arab American Gets "Dubai'd"

Great Google News Alert arrived this morning.

It appears that our fair city has spourned a brand new phrase in the good ol U S of A.


To be used in the context of:

"Sami Merhi was "Dubai'd"--that's when you are demonized by unfounded allegations spread by opponents seeking political advantage and then dumped by so-called friends who fear defending you. It is a kind of political terrorism that mixes fear, character assassination, and crass politics."

Check out just who Sami Merhi is right here

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Why Does..........

Why does writing on a banana skin with a biro feel so great?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The US government has a new website

The US government has a new website, It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.

Image 1
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

Image 2
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

Image 3
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

Image 4
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

Image 5
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

Image 6
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Image 7
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.

Image 8
Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

Image 9
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

Image 10
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Image 11
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

Image 12
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

Image 13
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

Image 14
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

Image 15
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

Image 16
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

Image 17
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Image 18
Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

Image 19
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Image 20
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.