Watch England Or Watch Your Pint

It's an age-old dilemma: to watch the England match with mates in a living room of your choice, or all bundle down to the local pub.

Underground was persuaded to try out option B on Sunday, and found ten flaws:

1) It is a universal law embraced by all landlords that while an England match will produce a vast surge in the number of customers, the number of personnel behind the bar must remain consistent with any other day, thus resulting in the longest and most impatient queue since the Bank of England announced it was handing out free money.

2) People still believe that throwing pints to greet England goals is 'wacky' behaviour, bound to create a good laugh.

3) The tallest man in the pub will, without fail, stand directly in front of the 'Big Screen'. He will also be deaf.

4) Should you wrangle a position from which to see the television by standing adjacent to a slot-machine, another patron will announce mid-way through the match, or at half-time, that he wants to spend an alternative penny.

5) Whilst a shout of "Beckham, you c**t" within two seconds of the kick-off is reasonably amusing, it does lose its appeal after the eleventh airing within the opening ten minutes.

6) Upon the first voiced criticism of a Chelski player, it will quickly become apparent where those British citizens subject to a banning order during the World Cup are watching the tournament.

7) Other than noticing the frequency with which goalkeeper Paul Robinson kicks the ball directly back to his counterpart, it's surprisingly difficult to follow the match in a packed pub. Interminable protection of your pint from stray elbows is a practical and essential distraction.

8) It is a second law of World Cup pubs that every licensed premises must host at least one member of the female species attempting to ingratiate herself with 'the lads' by loudly repeating a few comments that sound suspiciously similar to those published in that morning's newspapers. Whilst it may be possible to ignore her, it is impossible not to hear her. She's bound to be a minger too.

9) Four pints later, an awakening of the loins prompts a few thoughts along the lines of 'actually, I would', even though you know you probably shouldn't.

10) The leg-weariness caused by standing upright for two hours without a break isn't just an irritation - it's also a worrying indication that you are getting old.