Becoming Lebanese: A step-by-step guide.

Ladies and gentlemen, following this exclusive on-line guide is a
sure-fire way to be mistaken for a Leb.

Driving
The driver's seat must be in an uncomfortable and impractical
reclined position at all times. No more than one hand shall be on the wheel
at any time. The other hand should be on the window frame.
Alternatively it may be located on the gear-shift or your girlfriend's leg.
Profuse use of horn is encouraged. Religious symbols are to be attached to
dashboard at will. Shiny rims and tinted windows, accompanied by
thinly veiled threats to fellow motorists on your back window are
commonplace.

Clothes
Shirts are never to be tucked in. A minimum of three buttons must
be undone to reveal chest hair and optional gold medallion. Brand
names, preferably not fake, are to be exposed on every visible area of
clothing.
Jeans and shiny loafers are required to complete the look, along
with a generous helping of Brylcreem.

Technology
Ownership of mobile phones released more than two months ago are a
big no-no. Be sure to keep your phone visible at all times. Keep it in
your hand and place it on the table during diner or coffee. Fiddle
around with the menu at all times, to seem like you are always
being pursued by serial text-messagers.

Dining
The point of dining is not to eat. It is to see and be seen. Make
no mistake. Talk loudly, be rude to staff. Never, ever, under any
circumstances, thank your waiter. Throw evil looks at neighboring
tables, whether you know them or not. Laugh audibly, just so
everyone knows you're having more fun than them. Crack out a cheap cigar,
even if you're 18, to project a clichéd 80s image of wealth.

Clubbing
You must pull up at the door in a shiny new car. Whether it's
yours is inconsequential. Call bouncer 'habibe' a couple of times, and
crack same joke whilst tapping him on shoulder. Demonstrate rudeness to
staff (see Dining). Act like you own the place. Order recklessly,
and cry later. Throw evil looks at neighboring tables (see Dining
again).
Shake fist in the air as substitute for actual dancing. Push that
guy who dared look at your girlfriend. Drunk drive to the nearest
Zaatar w Zeit, get in a fight with someone over a parking space. Order
food.

Cinema
Again, the purpose of the cinema is not a love of film. It is to
waste two hours of time, and annoy a great deal of people
simultaneously.
Have loudly whispered conversations on your phone during parts of
the film integral to the plot. Throw popcorn at neighboring seats.
Laugh in all the wrong places. Make inappropriate comments during tense
scenes. Applaud good guys who punch a baddie.

Language
Arabic is not the official language of Lebanon, forget what you've
been told. You will need to master the bastard language that is
frenglishabic. Use at least three languages in every conversation,
introducing the ones you master the least only for greetings and
partings (hola, ciao, …)

Manners
What-now?

Politics
Chose one of a plethora of local, petty leaders. Adore them. Place
their pictures on your car, balcony and other visible areas that
may come under your ownership. Follow them blindly, regardless of how
racist, irrational and frightening they are.

Education
University is not a place to learn. It is a vast social club,
where one must adorn one's entire wardrobe on a daily basis to attract
potential mates. Class attendance is inversely proportional to the
amount of sunshine on any particular day. Be just as flashy on
campus as you would be in a club. Try to get your degree before failing
every course four times.

Spend money you don't have, to buy things you don't need, to
impress people you don't like.

Ahla, bienvenue to our world habibe/habibte.