More rules of modern life.................

If England win the world cup this summer, people have to remember its just a heavily sponsered sports event and not the return of Admiral Nelson, victory at El Alamain, the climbing of Everest and the return of the British Empire and all the other stuff that British people use to remind themsleves they were once an important nation. It's just sport, so learn to accept this.

Men are useless. Woman can repopulate the earth easily with all the sperm banks around. Men could try to repopulated with eggs... But they don't actually have a fucking clue what they're doing. They'd wank in the test tube, grunting that they've done it.

A Prostitute's vision is based on movement, if you remain perfectly still they won't be able to see you.

With Bebo and MySpace available, things will, eventually, progress to a point where all the members of each system are friends. These meta-friend groups will have nowhere left to turn to sate their desire to make new friends and will, therefore, turn on each other in a phyrric war that will consume all of the Earth's remaining resources. And then they will stop for an hour on Tuesday night, because Lost is on.

Men who are over 35 and still think that rock music can save the world are a serious embarrassment to themselves and their loved ones

E = MDMA

While understanding the whole concept of wishing to involve yourself in a sexual atrocity while under the influence of uncle Escobars sherbet may I suggest that water sports are a bad idea? Everytime I take the stuff my piss looks like and flows like golden syrup and smells like Pete Dohertys matress. Stick to shitting its easier to clean up.

People who put posts in the RoML attesting to their heavy, glamourous Kate Moss-esque usage of cocaine, are most definetly liars, and spend the majority of their evenings masturbating to Littlewoods catalogues, and their other evenings thinking about what they're going to post on their blog's (also whilst masturbating).

Science fiction fans, the matrix is just a film, it's not real, we are not at war with the 'machines' and you are not part of the human resistance army or whatever it's called - so get over it.

Jack Bauer does piss, he just does it during the ad breaks like the rest of us so he doesn't miss anything.

If any men out there are considering watching the classic Titanic movie, do bear in mind that it is an emotional film and you may therefore find yourself reaching for the Kleenex. Especially when Kate Winslet gets her spacehoppers out.

Women Drivers; draw the position of the hand brake and gear stick on a post it note, then stick it to the dash board of your car. It will save you, and the rest of the world, time as you look for them when the lights change.

Men: If we 'opened up' to you in a physical sense immediately after realising we are attracted to you, you would either a) think we were total sluts and distance yourselves from our passionate advances, or b) shag us silly and then complain about our lack of intellectual substance! (we can't fucking win, girls). The rule in this case should be: MEN! Have the goddam balls to make the first move and you won't be disappointed!