Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Watch England Or Watch Your Pint
It's an age-old dilemma: to watch the England match with mates in a living room of your choice, or all bundle down to the local pub.
Underground was persuaded to try out option B on Sunday, and found ten flaws:
1) It is a universal law embraced by all landlords that while an England match will produce a vast surge in the number of customers, the number of personnel behind the bar must remain consistent with any other day, thus resulting in the longest and most impatient queue since the Bank of England announced it was handing out free money.
2) People still believe that throwing pints to greet England goals is 'wacky' behaviour, bound to create a good laugh.
3) The tallest man in the pub will, without fail, stand directly in front of the 'Big Screen'. He will also be deaf.
4) Should you wrangle a position from which to see the television by standing adjacent to a slot-machine, another patron will announce mid-way through the match, or at half-time, that he wants to spend an alternative penny.
5) Whilst a shout of "Beckham, you c**t" within two seconds of the kick-off is reasonably amusing, it does lose its appeal after the eleventh airing within the opening ten minutes.
6) Upon the first voiced criticism of a Chelski player, it will quickly become apparent where those British citizens subject to a banning order during the World Cup are watching the tournament.
7) Other than noticing the frequency with which goalkeeper Paul Robinson kicks the ball directly back to his counterpart, it's surprisingly difficult to follow the match in a packed pub. Interminable protection of your pint from stray elbows is a practical and essential distraction.
8) It is a second law of World Cup pubs that every licensed premises must host at least one member of the female species attempting to ingratiate herself with 'the lads' by loudly repeating a few comments that sound suspiciously similar to those published in that morning's newspapers. Whilst it may be possible to ignore her, it is impossible not to hear her. She's bound to be a minger too.
9) Four pints later, an awakening of the loins prompts a few thoughts along the lines of 'actually, I would', even though you know you probably shouldn't.
10) The leg-weariness caused by standing upright for two hours without a break isn't just an irritation - it's also a worrying indication that you are getting old.
Underground was persuaded to try out option B on Sunday, and found ten flaws:
1) It is a universal law embraced by all landlords that while an England match will produce a vast surge in the number of customers, the number of personnel behind the bar must remain consistent with any other day, thus resulting in the longest and most impatient queue since the Bank of England announced it was handing out free money.
2) People still believe that throwing pints to greet England goals is 'wacky' behaviour, bound to create a good laugh.
3) The tallest man in the pub will, without fail, stand directly in front of the 'Big Screen'. He will also be deaf.
4) Should you wrangle a position from which to see the television by standing adjacent to a slot-machine, another patron will announce mid-way through the match, or at half-time, that he wants to spend an alternative penny.
5) Whilst a shout of "Beckham, you c**t" within two seconds of the kick-off is reasonably amusing, it does lose its appeal after the eleventh airing within the opening ten minutes.
6) Upon the first voiced criticism of a Chelski player, it will quickly become apparent where those British citizens subject to a banning order during the World Cup are watching the tournament.
7) Other than noticing the frequency with which goalkeeper Paul Robinson kicks the ball directly back to his counterpart, it's surprisingly difficult to follow the match in a packed pub. Interminable protection of your pint from stray elbows is a practical and essential distraction.
8) It is a second law of World Cup pubs that every licensed premises must host at least one member of the female species attempting to ingratiate herself with 'the lads' by loudly repeating a few comments that sound suspiciously similar to those published in that morning's newspapers. Whilst it may be possible to ignore her, it is impossible not to hear her. She's bound to be a minger too.
9) Four pints later, an awakening of the loins prompts a few thoughts along the lines of 'actually, I would', even though you know you probably shouldn't.
10) The leg-weariness caused by standing upright for two hours without a break isn't just an irritation - it's also a worrying indication that you are getting old.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Why did the chicken cross the road.......?
Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.
Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?
Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.
Darwin's Answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.
Moses's Answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.
O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.
Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?
Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.
Darwin's Answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.
Moses's Answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.
O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Becoming Lebanese: A step-by-step guide.
Ladies and gentlemen, following this exclusive on-line guide is a
sure-fire way to be mistaken for a Leb.
Driving
The driver's seat must be in an uncomfortable and impractical
reclined position at all times. No more than one hand shall be on the wheel
at any time. The other hand should be on the window frame.
Alternatively it may be located on the gear-shift or your girlfriend's leg.
Profuse use of horn is encouraged. Religious symbols are to be attached to
dashboard at will. Shiny rims and tinted windows, accompanied by
thinly veiled threats to fellow motorists on your back window are
commonplace.
Clothes
Shirts are never to be tucked in. A minimum of three buttons must
be undone to reveal chest hair and optional gold medallion. Brand
names, preferably not fake, are to be exposed on every visible area of
clothing.
Jeans and shiny loafers are required to complete the look, along
with a generous helping of Brylcreem.
Technology
Ownership of mobile phones released more than two months ago are a
big no-no. Be sure to keep your phone visible at all times. Keep it in
your hand and place it on the table during diner or coffee. Fiddle
around with the menu at all times, to seem like you are always
being pursued by serial text-messagers.
Dining
The point of dining is not to eat. It is to see and be seen. Make
no mistake. Talk loudly, be rude to staff. Never, ever, under any
circumstances, thank your waiter. Throw evil looks at neighboring
tables, whether you know them or not. Laugh audibly, just so
everyone knows you're having more fun than them. Crack out a cheap cigar,
even if you're 18, to project a clichéd 80s image of wealth.
Clubbing
You must pull up at the door in a shiny new car. Whether it's
yours is inconsequential. Call bouncer 'habibe' a couple of times, and
crack same joke whilst tapping him on shoulder. Demonstrate rudeness to
staff (see Dining). Act like you own the place. Order recklessly,
and cry later. Throw evil looks at neighboring tables (see Dining
again).
Shake fist in the air as substitute for actual dancing. Push that
guy who dared look at your girlfriend. Drunk drive to the nearest
Zaatar w Zeit, get in a fight with someone over a parking space. Order
food.
Cinema
Again, the purpose of the cinema is not a love of film. It is to
waste two hours of time, and annoy a great deal of people
simultaneously.
Have loudly whispered conversations on your phone during parts of
the film integral to the plot. Throw popcorn at neighboring seats.
Laugh in all the wrong places. Make inappropriate comments during tense
scenes. Applaud good guys who punch a baddie.
Language
Arabic is not the official language of Lebanon, forget what you've
been told. You will need to master the bastard language that is
frenglishabic. Use at least three languages in every conversation,
introducing the ones you master the least only for greetings and
partings (hola, ciao, …)
Manners
What-now?
Politics
Chose one of a plethora of local, petty leaders. Adore them. Place
their pictures on your car, balcony and other visible areas that
may come under your ownership. Follow them blindly, regardless of how
racist, irrational and frightening they are.
Education
University is not a place to learn. It is a vast social club,
where one must adorn one's entire wardrobe on a daily basis to attract
potential mates. Class attendance is inversely proportional to the
amount of sunshine on any particular day. Be just as flashy on
campus as you would be in a club. Try to get your degree before failing
every course four times.
Spend money you don't have, to buy things you don't need, to
impress people you don't like.
Ahla, bienvenue to our world habibe/habibte.
sure-fire way to be mistaken for a Leb.
Driving
The driver's seat must be in an uncomfortable and impractical
reclined position at all times. No more than one hand shall be on the wheel
at any time. The other hand should be on the window frame.
Alternatively it may be located on the gear-shift or your girlfriend's leg.
Profuse use of horn is encouraged. Religious symbols are to be attached to
dashboard at will. Shiny rims and tinted windows, accompanied by
thinly veiled threats to fellow motorists on your back window are
commonplace.
Clothes
Shirts are never to be tucked in. A minimum of three buttons must
be undone to reveal chest hair and optional gold medallion. Brand
names, preferably not fake, are to be exposed on every visible area of
clothing.
Jeans and shiny loafers are required to complete the look, along
with a generous helping of Brylcreem.
Technology
Ownership of mobile phones released more than two months ago are a
big no-no. Be sure to keep your phone visible at all times. Keep it in
your hand and place it on the table during diner or coffee. Fiddle
around with the menu at all times, to seem like you are always
being pursued by serial text-messagers.
Dining
The point of dining is not to eat. It is to see and be seen. Make
no mistake. Talk loudly, be rude to staff. Never, ever, under any
circumstances, thank your waiter. Throw evil looks at neighboring
tables, whether you know them or not. Laugh audibly, just so
everyone knows you're having more fun than them. Crack out a cheap cigar,
even if you're 18, to project a clichéd 80s image of wealth.
Clubbing
You must pull up at the door in a shiny new car. Whether it's
yours is inconsequential. Call bouncer 'habibe' a couple of times, and
crack same joke whilst tapping him on shoulder. Demonstrate rudeness to
staff (see Dining). Act like you own the place. Order recklessly,
and cry later. Throw evil looks at neighboring tables (see Dining
again).
Shake fist in the air as substitute for actual dancing. Push that
guy who dared look at your girlfriend. Drunk drive to the nearest
Zaatar w Zeit, get in a fight with someone over a parking space. Order
food.
Cinema
Again, the purpose of the cinema is not a love of film. It is to
waste two hours of time, and annoy a great deal of people
simultaneously.
Have loudly whispered conversations on your phone during parts of
the film integral to the plot. Throw popcorn at neighboring seats.
Laugh in all the wrong places. Make inappropriate comments during tense
scenes. Applaud good guys who punch a baddie.
Language
Arabic is not the official language of Lebanon, forget what you've
been told. You will need to master the bastard language that is
frenglishabic. Use at least three languages in every conversation,
introducing the ones you master the least only for greetings and
partings (hola, ciao, …)
Manners
What-now?
Politics
Chose one of a plethora of local, petty leaders. Adore them. Place
their pictures on your car, balcony and other visible areas that
may come under your ownership. Follow them blindly, regardless of how
racist, irrational and frightening they are.
Education
University is not a place to learn. It is a vast social club,
where one must adorn one's entire wardrobe on a daily basis to attract
potential mates. Class attendance is inversely proportional to the
amount of sunshine on any particular day. Be just as flashy on
campus as you would be in a club. Try to get your degree before failing
every course four times.
Spend money you don't have, to buy things you don't need, to
impress people you don't like.
Ahla, bienvenue to our world habibe/habibte.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Iraq - The hidden story
The story of what does not get reported in Iraq by the mainstream media.
It's graphic folks, over 18 plus as it were.
It's graphic folks, over 18 plus as it were.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
World Cup: The Silly Things Women Say
Here's a starter for daft things women say about football. My best mate, she's blond, thought that offside was when the ball went OFF the SIDE of the pitch.
..."I don't understand why everyone is so excited, there wasn't this much fuss last year" - A stunner called Cara Walker, so I kept my mockery to a minimum.
...The Local Oz Bar Maid during Saturday's friendly commented:
"That fella's not trying very hard!"
Only feeling embarrassed and going bright red when the Old Boy at the bar pointed out it was the Referee.
....From my lovely lady - "I'll let you watch the World Cup this year, but you have to promise me you won't watch all the World Cup matches next summer."
"What division are Jamaica in?"
...She: "So Who's the England goalie then?"
He: "Paul Robinson."
She: "What, the one from Neighbours?"
...'But surely if Rooney's injured we can put Thierry Henry in instead and he's
good isn't he?'
...Over lunch with a colleague, this week:
American woman: "So whose playing in the first game of the World Cup - Barcelona and who else?"
Me: "Germany and Costa Rica."
American woman: "So who are Barcelona playing against?"
Me: "Barcelona is a city in Spain, not a country. It's a tournament for national teams."
American woman: "Right, right. So who are Barcelona, Spain playing against?"
...Overheard at a restaurant on Sunday in Co.Cork, Ireland:
Wife: "Are we in the World Cup?"
Husband: "No, we didn't qualify"
Wife: "I'll be shouting for Barcelona then."
...My mum started early this year in her pretending to be interested in football tomfoolery. After the Champions League final she asked me who won, I informed her that Arsenal had lost and Barcelona had won, she replied ,"Does that mean England aren't in the World Cup now" Numpty!
...Just last night after I came home with a brand new England white shirt for my little brother, my girlfriend asks me why I have bought the 'home' kit. To which I reply 'eh?'. Her witty comeback is a classic! "Well, silly, the World Cup is in Germany so England won't be needing the home kit will they? You should have bought the red one." Silly me.
...On overhearing a discussion at work between some of us non-Americans about the tournament starting in two days, a young American lady added "The World Cup, that's tennis, isn't it?"
...I was asked by an anonymous female friend why there were five teams in our group and yet four in the others. She was disappointed when I pointed out that Trinidad wouldn't actually be playing against Tobago in the tournament!
...How's about this for the silly things women say?!? Sat watching telly with my girlfriend last night she said the following:
"I've got a hair appointment in town at 2.30 this Saturday, would you mind dropping me off and picking me up? I'll treat you to tea somewhere..."
...Since we've been together, my girlfriend Julie has fully embraced my passion for football with enthusiasm but has come out with some good ones. Here is a small selection:
1. In the pub last night, a mate said he'd seen the film United 93. Julie said: "I'm getting fed up of all this football talk."
2. We were watching MOTD when Jose brought on Duff, Cole and Robben when chasing a game at the end of last season. Julie wondered why Motty said: "Chelsea started the game without any but now they've got three white men on the pitch". The concept of wide men hadn't landed on planet Julie yet.
3. MOTD were showing Citeh when Shaun Wright Phillips was in the team, who she knew about. The commentator then referred to Bradley Wright-Phillips, and then showed him on camera. Julie said, "Are they related?"
4. When watching a game in the pub, the ads were on the telly at half time. She looked up and saw the bloke in the wheelbarrow on the Wickes advert. She thought the second half had started and they were taking an injured player off in a barrow.
...Looking through my World Cup 2006 sticker album (yes I know I'm too old, but it's tradition!) my dear fiancée asked just how Ruud Van Nistelrooy could play for Holland when he was still a Manchester United player. Now bless her for listening to my rants about how sad it will be for Ruud to be sold this summer, but she hasn't really got to grips with the club and country aspect - unless they're English...
...When I was in Italy I bought a hat which had INTER written across the top of it. One of the birds in my class goes "what happened to the W?"
...During the recent England v Jamaica friendly, my lovely girlfriend Lori remarked "I thought David Beckham played for Real Madrid?".
Ok...not a World Cup one but pretty stupid none the less:
Back in '96 when I was doing my A levels and Liverpool were on their way to the infamous cream suit cup final fiasco with the Mancs we had drawn the first game, maybe the quarter final I can't remember which now. Anyway, the replay was a midweek one and as we were finishing our last lecture of the day this girl Emma overhears me and the lads planning that night's boozy footy viewing and shouts over:
"Dave, what are you lot up to tonight?"
Me: "Watching the game, it's the FA Cup replay tonight."
Emma: "Replay? Why are you watching it when you already know the result?"
...This is going back to Euro 2000, but a female colleague at work had just learned that Dennis Bergkamp was Dutch. She pondered for a moment, and then asked "So, what happens when Holland play Arsenal?"
...Me and my mentally challenged missus Rachel were watching the 10:30 news last night, I was quite surprised actually as she did not open her mouth and embarrass herself once all day - Until about 10:50. The 1966 ENGLAND World Cup winners classic masterpiece that was recorded in 1982 for the World Cup was on the news. In the clip it went round all the players singing about themselves in which Martin Peters was zoomed in on. Now I don't know why she said this and I don't really want to challenge her mind as to why it came out, but she said about Martin Peters, "He's Scottish isn't he?".
...Along the lines of stupid things that women say about the World Cup, I have a cracker...
I organised the office sweepstake for the World Cup, and being the only bloke this was never going to be easy. After I had cut out team names and kits and put them in the bag ready for the draw the girls I work with played a prank on me and replaced some teams from the draw with the likes of 'Vatican City', 'Disney Land' and 'Antarctica'.
Anyway, one girl walks over to see what we are doing, looks at the piece of paper with Antarctica written on it (which has now been removed so I could proceed with the serious draw) and promptly says the following: "Antarctica! I didn't even know they were in it. A load of Eskimos running around on the pitch! Ha Ha! They haven't got a chance blah blah blah'
...Two Welsh birds sat behind me on the Easyjet flight from Barcelona to Gatwick on Sunday morning:
Bird One: "Hang on, David Beckham's English but he plays in Spain. Who's he going to play for in the World Cup?"
Bird Two: "Good question, I really don't know."
thanks for these original letters to 365.com
..."I don't understand why everyone is so excited, there wasn't this much fuss last year" - A stunner called Cara Walker, so I kept my mockery to a minimum.
...The Local Oz Bar Maid during Saturday's friendly commented:
"That fella's not trying very hard!"
Only feeling embarrassed and going bright red when the Old Boy at the bar pointed out it was the Referee.
....From my lovely lady - "I'll let you watch the World Cup this year, but you have to promise me you won't watch all the World Cup matches next summer."
"What division are Jamaica in?"
...She: "So Who's the England goalie then?"
He: "Paul Robinson."
She: "What, the one from Neighbours?"
...'But surely if Rooney's injured we can put Thierry Henry in instead and he's
good isn't he?'
...Over lunch with a colleague, this week:
American woman: "So whose playing in the first game of the World Cup - Barcelona and who else?"
Me: "Germany and Costa Rica."
American woman: "So who are Barcelona playing against?"
Me: "Barcelona is a city in Spain, not a country. It's a tournament for national teams."
American woman: "Right, right. So who are Barcelona, Spain playing against?"
...Overheard at a restaurant on Sunday in Co.Cork, Ireland:
Wife: "Are we in the World Cup?"
Husband: "No, we didn't qualify"
Wife: "I'll be shouting for Barcelona then."
...My mum started early this year in her pretending to be interested in football tomfoolery. After the Champions League final she asked me who won, I informed her that Arsenal had lost and Barcelona had won, she replied ,"Does that mean England aren't in the World Cup now" Numpty!
...Just last night after I came home with a brand new England white shirt for my little brother, my girlfriend asks me why I have bought the 'home' kit. To which I reply 'eh?'. Her witty comeback is a classic! "Well, silly, the World Cup is in Germany so England won't be needing the home kit will they? You should have bought the red one." Silly me.
...On overhearing a discussion at work between some of us non-Americans about the tournament starting in two days, a young American lady added "The World Cup, that's tennis, isn't it?"
...I was asked by an anonymous female friend why there were five teams in our group and yet four in the others. She was disappointed when I pointed out that Trinidad wouldn't actually be playing against Tobago in the tournament!
...How's about this for the silly things women say?!? Sat watching telly with my girlfriend last night she said the following:
"I've got a hair appointment in town at 2.30 this Saturday, would you mind dropping me off and picking me up? I'll treat you to tea somewhere..."
...Since we've been together, my girlfriend Julie has fully embraced my passion for football with enthusiasm but has come out with some good ones. Here is a small selection:
1. In the pub last night, a mate said he'd seen the film United 93. Julie said: "I'm getting fed up of all this football talk."
2. We were watching MOTD when Jose brought on Duff, Cole and Robben when chasing a game at the end of last season. Julie wondered why Motty said: "Chelsea started the game without any but now they've got three white men on the pitch". The concept of wide men hadn't landed on planet Julie yet.
3. MOTD were showing Citeh when Shaun Wright Phillips was in the team, who she knew about. The commentator then referred to Bradley Wright-Phillips, and then showed him on camera. Julie said, "Are they related?"
4. When watching a game in the pub, the ads were on the telly at half time. She looked up and saw the bloke in the wheelbarrow on the Wickes advert. She thought the second half had started and they were taking an injured player off in a barrow.
...Looking through my World Cup 2006 sticker album (yes I know I'm too old, but it's tradition!) my dear fiancée asked just how Ruud Van Nistelrooy could play for Holland when he was still a Manchester United player. Now bless her for listening to my rants about how sad it will be for Ruud to be sold this summer, but she hasn't really got to grips with the club and country aspect - unless they're English...
...When I was in Italy I bought a hat which had INTER written across the top of it. One of the birds in my class goes "what happened to the W?"
...During the recent England v Jamaica friendly, my lovely girlfriend Lori remarked "I thought David Beckham played for Real Madrid?".
Ok...not a World Cup one but pretty stupid none the less:
Back in '96 when I was doing my A levels and Liverpool were on their way to the infamous cream suit cup final fiasco with the Mancs we had drawn the first game, maybe the quarter final I can't remember which now. Anyway, the replay was a midweek one and as we were finishing our last lecture of the day this girl Emma overhears me and the lads planning that night's boozy footy viewing and shouts over:
"Dave, what are you lot up to tonight?"
Me: "Watching the game, it's the FA Cup replay tonight."
Emma: "Replay? Why are you watching it when you already know the result?"
...This is going back to Euro 2000, but a female colleague at work had just learned that Dennis Bergkamp was Dutch. She pondered for a moment, and then asked "So, what happens when Holland play Arsenal?"
...Me and my mentally challenged missus Rachel were watching the 10:30 news last night, I was quite surprised actually as she did not open her mouth and embarrass herself once all day - Until about 10:50. The 1966 ENGLAND World Cup winners classic masterpiece that was recorded in 1982 for the World Cup was on the news. In the clip it went round all the players singing about themselves in which Martin Peters was zoomed in on. Now I don't know why she said this and I don't really want to challenge her mind as to why it came out, but she said about Martin Peters, "He's Scottish isn't he?".
...Along the lines of stupid things that women say about the World Cup, I have a cracker...
I organised the office sweepstake for the World Cup, and being the only bloke this was never going to be easy. After I had cut out team names and kits and put them in the bag ready for the draw the girls I work with played a prank on me and replaced some teams from the draw with the likes of 'Vatican City', 'Disney Land' and 'Antarctica'.
Anyway, one girl walks over to see what we are doing, looks at the piece of paper with Antarctica written on it (which has now been removed so I could proceed with the serious draw) and promptly says the following: "Antarctica! I didn't even know they were in it. A load of Eskimos running around on the pitch! Ha Ha! They haven't got a chance blah blah blah'
...Two Welsh birds sat behind me on the Easyjet flight from Barcelona to Gatwick on Sunday morning:
Bird One: "Hang on, David Beckham's English but he plays in Spain. Who's he going to play for in the World Cup?"
Bird Two: "Good question, I really don't know."
thanks for these original letters to 365.com
Monday, June 19, 2006
rules of modern living
Myspace: A place to groom and to be groomed.
If you think Patrick Bateman is someone who regularly features in Heat magazine, then it may not be a great idea to claim to be 'informed'.
Hetero Men: When dancing, keep your hands at chest height or below - once your hands go above chest height you instantly become homosexual
A tattoo written in Chinese lettering is more likely to say "shit on my hand" than "everlasting peace"
Noel Edmonds: not big, and definitely not clever.
The more England flags on the car, the higher the likliehood fo some pensioner being charged £20k for fixing a leaky tap.
If her eyes are generally closed whilst you make love, chances are she's thinking of someone else.
The more self congratulatory and narcissistic the personal homepage the less significant the celebrity.
When listening to your MP3 player outdoors, you always imagine you're in videos for the tracks.
Chavs: When attempting to mug a man carrying a curtain pole back to his car, do not be surprised to wake up and find your own wallet empty after he takes your money to replace the curtain pole he's just broken whilst hitting you with it. Thank me later
when Noel Edmunds has a MySpace account, you shouldn't.
If you're happy and you know it clapping your hands is not always appropriate when you're the one of the few in the office not to be made redundant.
If you think Patrick Bateman is someone who regularly features in Heat magazine, then it may not be a great idea to claim to be 'informed'.
Hetero Men: When dancing, keep your hands at chest height or below - once your hands go above chest height you instantly become homosexual
A tattoo written in Chinese lettering is more likely to say "shit on my hand" than "everlasting peace"
Noel Edmonds: not big, and definitely not clever.
The more England flags on the car, the higher the likliehood fo some pensioner being charged £20k for fixing a leaky tap.
If her eyes are generally closed whilst you make love, chances are she's thinking of someone else.
The more self congratulatory and narcissistic the personal homepage the less significant the celebrity.
When listening to your MP3 player outdoors, you always imagine you're in videos for the tracks.
Chavs: When attempting to mug a man carrying a curtain pole back to his car, do not be surprised to wake up and find your own wallet empty after he takes your money to replace the curtain pole he's just broken whilst hitting you with it. Thank me later
when Noel Edmunds has a MySpace account, you shouldn't.
If you're happy and you know it clapping your hands is not always appropriate when you're the one of the few in the office not to be made redundant.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Things to Do Instead of Killing Yourself
* Drive in one direction until you reach the ocean.
* Say hello to everyone you pass during the day.
* Frown until your mouth muscles hurt (then see how much easier it is to smile.)
* Create your own alphabet.
* Start a scrapbook.
* Make something you invented or invent something you can make.
* Make a BLT.
* Work the crossword puzzle.
* Count backwards from 10 billion by 13s.
* Visit a yard sale.
* Put on some really comfortable shoes. Walk somewhere in them.
* Make something nice for someone and give it to them.
* Go see a movie.
* Make your own list of things to do instead of killing yourself
(and then do them.)
* Organize your own mock funeral, invite family and friends,
encourage them to eulogize you.
(Tell them how you've really been feeling lately and see what happens.)
* Let someone proofread your suicide note.
* Build a fort.
* Meditate.
* Shampoo your hair. Repeat if desired.
* Create an elaborate hoax. (Try not to get arrested.)
* Get arrested.
* Blow the stink off!
* Sneak into a church. Enjoy the sunlight and quiet.
* Write me a letter. (Be assured of a hopeful reply.)
* Volunteer somewhere.
* Doodle.
* Enter a contest.
* Write a poem.
* Just breathe.
* Take a class.
* Finish something you started.
* Drink a cup of tea with sugar and milk if that's how you like it.
* Jump up and down on a big trampoline.
* Pray.
* Eat a tomato.
* Pet a kitty cat.
* Smoke a cigarette. (It's slower.)
* Answer your telephone the next time it rings. (I know you haven't been...)
* Ask a stranger for some good advice.
* Paint a mural.
* Start a garden.
* Rescue an animal.
* Take your loose change to the bank.
* Play some beautiful music.
* Ask an old person to tell you a story.
* Make yourself breakfast in bed.
* Eat cookies.
* Stare at clouds.
* Visit the maternity ward.
* Send flowers anonymously.
* Make a long to-do list. Do everything on it.
* Set a world record.
* Open the curtains.
* Say hello to everyone you pass during the day.
* Frown until your mouth muscles hurt (then see how much easier it is to smile.)
* Create your own alphabet.
* Start a scrapbook.
* Make something you invented or invent something you can make.
* Make a BLT.
* Work the crossword puzzle.
* Count backwards from 10 billion by 13s.
* Visit a yard sale.
* Put on some really comfortable shoes. Walk somewhere in them.
* Make something nice for someone and give it to them.
* Go see a movie.
* Make your own list of things to do instead of killing yourself
(and then do them.)
* Organize your own mock funeral, invite family and friends,
encourage them to eulogize you.
(Tell them how you've really been feeling lately and see what happens.)
* Let someone proofread your suicide note.
* Build a fort.
* Meditate.
* Shampoo your hair. Repeat if desired.
* Create an elaborate hoax. (Try not to get arrested.)
* Get arrested.
* Blow the stink off!
* Sneak into a church. Enjoy the sunlight and quiet.
* Write me a letter. (Be assured of a hopeful reply.)
* Volunteer somewhere.
* Doodle.
* Enter a contest.
* Write a poem.
* Just breathe.
* Take a class.
* Finish something you started.
* Drink a cup of tea with sugar and milk if that's how you like it.
* Jump up and down on a big trampoline.
* Pray.
* Eat a tomato.
* Pet a kitty cat.
* Smoke a cigarette. (It's slower.)
* Answer your telephone the next time it rings. (I know you haven't been...)
* Ask a stranger for some good advice.
* Paint a mural.
* Start a garden.
* Rescue an animal.
* Take your loose change to the bank.
* Play some beautiful music.
* Ask an old person to tell you a story.
* Make yourself breakfast in bed.
* Eat cookies.
* Stare at clouds.
* Visit the maternity ward.
* Send flowers anonymously.
* Make a long to-do list. Do everything on it.
* Set a world record.
* Open the curtains.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Dubai Mall's Take Note
Mall Facts
Mall of America facts:
The Mall of America near Minneapolis, MN has over 500 stores.
It does not have a heating system. It relies on the heat from the lighting, the sunroof and all the people.
It has four Gaps and an amusement park.
It draws 40 million visitors each year; more than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.
The Mall of America is an international tourist attraction - more than one third of visitors come from over 150 miles away. Airlines offer travel and shopping package deals to shoppers from Germany, Japan, Switzerland, England and Australia.
Only five miles away from the Mall of America is the Southdale mall. It was the first enclosed shopping mall ever, opening less than 50 years ago (October 8, 1956).
The world's largest shopping mall is the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta, Canada.
West Edmonton Mall facts:
The "West Ed Mall" in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, there are over 800 stores.
It has the world's largest indoor wave pool.
It has over 110 places to eat.
Of course, West Ed Mall, the world's largest mall, has the world's largest parking lot.
There are one-third of a million lighting fixtures.
It has 58 entrances.
West Ed Mall was opened in 1981, and the fourth phase was completed 17 years later.
There are two A & Ws, two Baskin Robbinses, two KFCs, two Arbys, two Dairy Queens, three Orange Juliuses and three McDonalds in West Ed Mall.
Surprisingly, there is only one Starbucks there.
Other Mall facts:
There are 50,000 shopping malls in the United States alone.
Women will buy more if they hear their heels clicking on polished hard surfaces, so designers often use hard flooring in hallways. Inside the stores themselves, there is often carpeting or softer surfaces to lure customers in and make them feel at home.
Places to sit in the common areas of malls are hard to find. People aren't shopping when they're sitting.
Escalators are placed strategically to force shoppers to pass the maximum number of storefronts.
Most malls have bends and turns as shoppers typically won't walk towards something that seems more than one tenth of a mile away.
Floor plans in malls are disorienting for a reason - so shoppers cannot make a quick exit.
The average mall shopper stays for 80 minutes and spends $75 each visit.
Mall of America facts:
The Mall of America near Minneapolis, MN has over 500 stores.
It does not have a heating system. It relies on the heat from the lighting, the sunroof and all the people.
It has four Gaps and an amusement park.
It draws 40 million visitors each year; more than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined.
The Mall of America is an international tourist attraction - more than one third of visitors come from over 150 miles away. Airlines offer travel and shopping package deals to shoppers from Germany, Japan, Switzerland, England and Australia.
Only five miles away from the Mall of America is the Southdale mall. It was the first enclosed shopping mall ever, opening less than 50 years ago (October 8, 1956).
The world's largest shopping mall is the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta, Canada.
West Edmonton Mall facts:
The "West Ed Mall" in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, there are over 800 stores.
It has the world's largest indoor wave pool.
It has over 110 places to eat.
Of course, West Ed Mall, the world's largest mall, has the world's largest parking lot.
There are one-third of a million lighting fixtures.
It has 58 entrances.
West Ed Mall was opened in 1981, and the fourth phase was completed 17 years later.
There are two A & Ws, two Baskin Robbinses, two KFCs, two Arbys, two Dairy Queens, three Orange Juliuses and three McDonalds in West Ed Mall.
Surprisingly, there is only one Starbucks there.
Other Mall facts:
There are 50,000 shopping malls in the United States alone.
Women will buy more if they hear their heels clicking on polished hard surfaces, so designers often use hard flooring in hallways. Inside the stores themselves, there is often carpeting or softer surfaces to lure customers in and make them feel at home.
Places to sit in the common areas of malls are hard to find. People aren't shopping when they're sitting.
Escalators are placed strategically to force shoppers to pass the maximum number of storefronts.
Most malls have bends and turns as shoppers typically won't walk towards something that seems more than one tenth of a mile away.
Floor plans in malls are disorienting for a reason - so shoppers cannot make a quick exit.
The average mall shopper stays for 80 minutes and spends $75 each visit.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Dubai Blind Eye Wadio
That’s because the commentary that is being broadcast by our very own Dubai Eye is designed for TELEVISION coverage.
Chap’s, listen carefully, I will say this only once:
The difference between TV and radio, is, wait for it; TV generates PICTURES; Radio is well, just radio - ra·di·o (rā'dē-ō) n., pl. -os. No pictures involved chaps.
So do you realize the problem hear?
If the answer is “no” I give up and conclude that the Dubai Eye radio station is being run by complete prats.
If the answer is “yes”, then I expect radio commentary to be broadcast on your radio station at your earliest convenience. Not rocket science is it.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Create a new Face
Create a new face for yourself, go on, you know you want too.
Myer
Eric Myer Photography
Myer
Eric Myer Photography
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Jimmy Riddle
1. Although I may have eyes, I cannot see. At one time there was a dearth of me in Ireland, & people went hungry. What am I? _____________
10. I was taught by a famous philosopher, & history says that I'm great. I once cut something I couldn't untie, but I guess I was still quite the conqueror.... Who am I?
I will give you the weekend to puzzle on these ones peeps......
2. I'm white & used for cutting & grinding. When I'm damaged, humans usually remove me or fill me. For most animals I am a useful tool. What am I? ____________
3. Although many teachers thought little of me, I turned out to be a genius who changed the world. I suppose I proved that all things are relative! Who am I? ___________
4. Although I'm not an insect, some people found me very difficult to exterminate. They called me something like 'insane priest.' The first half of my name means the same as 'scrape,' & my last three letters are a metal. Who am I? ___________
5. People climb me, cut me, & burn me -- they show me no respect! My rings are not of gold but do tell my age. What am I? ____________
6. Though I exist alone, there are often many of us interconnected like the threads of a web. If I am worn, there is an expression that indicates you should not leave me. A man with a name meaning something like 'knowledgeable one' once said that I was number four of a certain set, & had less than ten folds. What am I? __________
7. I am strongest when you see me as round, but I am often viewed in other forms. I lift & drop the sea with my tremendous strength, and a man with a name like 'powerful bicep' was the first to tread on me. What am I? ___________
8. I do not hold the desert, only a sample. My innards descend ever so slowly.... But in time I am turned over to begin again. What am I? ___________
9. I am an insect, & the first half of my name reveals another insect. Some famous musicians had a name similar to mine. What am I? ____________
10. I was taught by a famous philosopher, & history says that I'm great. I once cut something I couldn't untie, but I guess I was still quite the conqueror.... Who am I?
I will give you the weekend to puzzle on these ones peeps......
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Einstein I.Q. Test
10 I.Q. puzzles.
The ranking scale below is designed for entertainment purposes only, but should give you a general idea of how well you have performed.
Be aware that some of the puzzles may take a while to solve, so the more time you spend working on the puzzles, the higher your score is likely to be.
Have fun!
Number Correct IQ & Rank
0-1 IQ 90 / Below Average
2 IQ 100 / Average
3 IQ 110 / Above Average
4 IQ 120 / Superior
5-6 IQ 130 / Gifted
7-8 IQ 140 / Highly Gifted
9-10 IQ 150 / Genius
HELLO, GOODBYE!
1. 12 members were present at a board meeting. Each member shook hands with all of the other members before & after the meeting. How many hand shakes were there?
PROBABILITY UNIVERSITY
2. At Probability University, there are 375 freshmen, 293 sophomores, 187 juniors, & 126 seniors. One student will randomly be chosen to receive an award. What percent chance is there that it will be a junior? Round to the nearest whole percent.
A DOZEN EDGES
3. If you take a marker & start from a corner on a cube, what is the maximum number of edges you can trace across if you never trace across the same edge twice, never remove the marker from the cube, & never trace anywhere on the cube, except for the corners & edges?
TWO & THREE
4. A cube is made of a white material, but the exterior is painted black. If the cube is cut into 125 smaller cubes of exactly the same size, how many of the cubes will have 2 of their sides painted black?
ALGRAMARA
5. In another galaxy, a certain nation of creatures speak a language known as Algramara. In this language, "harvec tood zevac" means "my tooth hurts," "lavec lina zevac" means "my delicious food," & "zevac corma lina" means "eating my food." What does "corma harvec zevac tood" mean?
PRIMAL SERIES
6. Decide what the next 5 figures in this series should be: 0110101000101000101000
FOLD IN HALF
7. If you started a business in which you earned $1 on the first day, $3 on the second day, $5 on the third day, $7 on the fourth day, & so on, how much would you have earned with this business after 50 years (assuming there are exactly 365 days in every year)?
PAY RAISE/PAY CUT
8. A worker earns a 5% raise. A year later, the worker receives a 2.5% cut in pay, & now her salary is $22702.68. What was her salary to begin with?
MORE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK
9. How many weeks have 156 hours in them?
PIECES ON A BOARD
PIECES ON A BOARD
10. What letter completes this set? 2k 2q 16p 4r 4b 4
Answers in a few days folks!
The ranking scale below is designed for entertainment purposes only, but should give you a general idea of how well you have performed.
Be aware that some of the puzzles may take a while to solve, so the more time you spend working on the puzzles, the higher your score is likely to be.
Have fun!
Number Correct IQ & Rank
0-1 IQ 90 / Below Average
2 IQ 100 / Average
3 IQ 110 / Above Average
4 IQ 120 / Superior
5-6 IQ 130 / Gifted
7-8 IQ 140 / Highly Gifted
9-10 IQ 150 / Genius
HELLO, GOODBYE!
1. 12 members were present at a board meeting. Each member shook hands with all of the other members before & after the meeting. How many hand shakes were there?
PROBABILITY UNIVERSITY
2. At Probability University, there are 375 freshmen, 293 sophomores, 187 juniors, & 126 seniors. One student will randomly be chosen to receive an award. What percent chance is there that it will be a junior? Round to the nearest whole percent.
A DOZEN EDGES
3. If you take a marker & start from a corner on a cube, what is the maximum number of edges you can trace across if you never trace across the same edge twice, never remove the marker from the cube, & never trace anywhere on the cube, except for the corners & edges?
TWO & THREE
4. A cube is made of a white material, but the exterior is painted black. If the cube is cut into 125 smaller cubes of exactly the same size, how many of the cubes will have 2 of their sides painted black?
ALGRAMARA
5. In another galaxy, a certain nation of creatures speak a language known as Algramara. In this language, "harvec tood zevac" means "my tooth hurts," "lavec lina zevac" means "my delicious food," & "zevac corma lina" means "eating my food." What does "corma harvec zevac tood" mean?
PRIMAL SERIES
6. Decide what the next 5 figures in this series should be: 0110101000101000101000
FOLD IN HALF
7. If you started a business in which you earned $1 on the first day, $3 on the second day, $5 on the third day, $7 on the fourth day, & so on, how much would you have earned with this business after 50 years (assuming there are exactly 365 days in every year)?
PAY RAISE/PAY CUT
8. A worker earns a 5% raise. A year later, the worker receives a 2.5% cut in pay, & now her salary is $22702.68. What was her salary to begin with?
MORE THAN YOU MIGHT THINK
9. How many weeks have 156 hours in them?
PIECES ON A BOARD
PIECES ON A BOARD
10. What letter completes this set? 2k 2q 16p 4r 4b 4
Answers in a few days folks!
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
"Underground thanks Strangeplaces"
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
"Underground thanks Strangeplaces"
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